Overwhelmed. That's how I feel. Overwhelmed.

Worried. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel lost.

S. is stuttering so much. It's awful. And painful to watch. I wish I knew what to do to fix the problem. I wish I had concrete answers as to why it's happening. It's killing me. His teacher told me one of his classmates did a "copycat" thing. It upset S. Naturally. I was wondering when it would happen. Knew it would. Hoped it wouldn't. :-( We're doing what we can but it doesn't feel like it's enough. Speech therapy. A new pediatric neurologist. Revaluating the ADHD diagnosis. Everything. Still....I feel so out of control. I can't fix it. I want to but I can't. And it's breaking my heart.

I don't feel very strong at the moment. Oh...I'm putting on a good face. I'm not showing it. But inside...it's how I feel. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better. All the way around. It doesn't work that way. Does it?

I love that little boy more than words can ever, ever express. I only want the absolute best for him. I hope and pray that God will guide us to a good, healthy, happy path. Praying big time.

Back to school.....

School is back in session! Happy, happy! Joy, joy! lol Being at home ALL summer with a 7yr old is taxing on one's sanity. :-) We had good times and we had frustrating times and it was always active. Now...I have peace and quiet and I can get back to the projects I put on hold. I'm loving having some "me" time.

I am under some stress and am worrying about S. His speech disfluency has gone from bad to worse. He is having such a difficult time getting his words out. He's started stuttering and struggling and it's painful to see. :-( We're having him reevaluated for ADHD and have a new dr. for that. She's awesome! I hope and pray that she can put us on a new, helpful path. We meet with her tomorrow morning and I'm anxious to hear what she has to say. (fingers crossed)

Been reading a lot and loving it. I've read some new books by new authors. And, of course, I'm reading lots of romance novels. (g) Can't help myself. I've read all of the Sookie Stackhouse novels and will have to wait til Charlaine Harris writes the next one in the series. I've been watching the True Blood series on HBO which is based on the Sookie books. The show is very graphic...but I guess if you're dealing with vampires...it has to be...right? lol But I'm loving it. There are only 2 episodes left so I'll have to wait for next season. More waiting! Argh! lol

Looking forward to fall and the cooler temps. When school starts...it feels like it's time to move on out of summer and into the fall season. I guess it's just that internal clock kind of a thing.

All in all....things are okay. I'm just breathing such a sigh of relief that school is back in session! I'm in the mom club...where we can't wait for that 1st day! lol

Happy, happy....joy, joy!!!!!

Venus vs. Mars

John Gray has it right. Men really ARE from Mars. Too blunt. Too in your face when it comes to emotions and understanding. We women are so good at understanding and encouraging. I'm well aware of my faults. Who knows better than oneself? You see your reflection in the mirror every single day. You know what you've done and what you need to do. I admit that I'm not my own cheerleader. Far from it. My self-esteem is low. I think I'm really good at beating myself up. I don't need anymore beating. KWIM? It would mean so much to have that unconditional love. Just accept me for me. Love me no matter what. I know. I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm too damn sensitive. I'm too romantic and I yearn for the same. So when D. tells me I need to lose weight....it hurts. It just does. I can look in the mirror and see myself. I see how I look. I know what I need to do. I think it's the romantic in me....that believes he should love me no matter what. His comments add fuel to my low self-esteem fire. Do I feel pretty? No. Do I feel sexy? No. Do I want him to sweep me off my feet carrying me off to bed for a romantic tryst? No. How could I ever let my guard down when he obviously sees me as fat? I don't know how to do that. I really feel hurt. Yes. I'm flawed. I'm a human. I'm not perfect. I always say I'm a work in progress. There are so many things happening that are stressful. I'm struggling with life things and trying to keep it together. The last thing I want from my husband is criticism. I want love. I want to be loved for who I am...flaws and all. I want to be me and be loved anyway. Why can't "martians" get that? (sigh)

It's been a while.....

Time goes on and the days pass by. That's life. Day by day. It's funny how the days seem to go by so slowly and yet time flies. What's up with that?

So I'm sitting here wondering why life seems so hard. I mean....why does every little thing seem so huge? I know. I know. Life isn't fair. Life isn't easy. That's just the way it is. Still....I finding myself standing here wanting to scream, "WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH LIFE?" I'm just shaking my head at how silly that sounds. You know....you have these dreams...when you're young...that will come true when you grow up. And then you find yourself in adult mode and you realize that those dreams aren't as easily attained as you thought they would be. And you grow up and fully recognize the dysfunction in your life....the problems that come with growing up and so forth. It's one thing to make a mistake when you're a child but it's something entirely different when you're an adult. At the ripe, old age of (almost) 48, I can look back on all of the wrong turns I've made...the foolish choices...the "I should've picked door #1 instead of what's in the box" times. It's hard to be dysfunctional and to be surrounded by dysfunction. KWIM? It's really difficult to look around and see....actually SEE the mistakes you've made. It's hard to accept that you've done a rotten job when you thought you were doing really well. It hurts to see it and it feels like it's almost too late to do anything about it. I'm struggling with the hurt...with the realization that I'm way beyond flawed. It's hard to look at the plans...to see the mistakes...and find the eraser so I can revise everything. I have to do just that but it's so damn hard. I'm taking 2 steps forward but 15 back.

So I'm back to wondering why life is so hard. Why are the bits and pieces so tough? Where's the "life" manual? It would help if I had some directions so everything will be assembled correctly. Yeah. That would help a lot.

Guess I'm on my own.

My warranty is expiring...

Getting old is a bitch. Of course, as they say, it's better than the alternative. I had to stop and think about how old I'd be turning in June. I remember when I was young - like in my teens - thinking that 20 was so old....that 30 was so old....that 40 was ancient. It seemed so far away. And I'm going to turn 48 this year. That's 2 years til 50!!! I can't imagine being 50. I mean the number. It's overwhelming!!! I certainly don't feel like I'm almost 48....heading to 50. But I feel like my body is slowly falling apart. Of course, I know a lot of my woes have to do with my being overweight. I've noticed that my hips hurt. After I sit for a while and then stand...my legs hurt. I know exactly what I need to do to fix those problems. That's entirely in my control. It just sucks...being bipolar...having "female" problems....dealing with sleep apnea....and now the problems stemming from this septoplasty. Oh...and I forgot to mention the headaches. I keep having constant headaches/migraines and my dr. sent me for a CT scan. Fortunately, everything was fine...but the headaches were still there. Now I'm taking a prescription med to help. Add another pill to the schedule. Such fun! I'm dealing. I'm tired of one medical thing after another happening. KWIM? But I'm dealing.And this nose stuff. I STILL have the whistle in the right side of my nose. My ob/gyn suggested I go for a 2nd opinion and I went to the phone right away and called the dr. he recommended. I see the dude on Monday and I can't wait to hear what he has to say. Nothing like looking at those mistakes and asking yourself: WHY????? I hate that! So much! I hope I can fix whatever problem remains with my nose. And if I like this dr. and feel like he's telling me like it is....I may switch. We'll see how it goes. Such fun.

Still....I cannot believe I'll be 48. Where has the time gone? I mean...seriously. ????? It's good that I don't feel my age. I still "feel" like I did when I was in college. I feel as if I haven't changed from those days. And I suppose that's a good thing. I don't feel like I need to be propped up in a rocking chair watching my shows. lol I'm still that kid at heart and I rejoice in that. I just wish I could renew my dang warranty!

lol

"When you come to the end of all the light you know,

and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,

faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:

either you will be given something solid to stand on

or you will be taught to fly."

Edward Teller

Body Image

I'm struggling with my body image. I swear...every time I see my reflection, I want to cry. It's so hard for me not to comfort myself with food. Isn't that stupid? It's not that I sit around eating bon bons. I don't. But when I feel like I need to make myself feel better...I tend to choose the potato chips as opposed to the fruit. And it makes me feel out of control...which is absurd considering that I'm the one doing it to myself. I have all of the control. Hello...get a clue, girl. Every day I tell myself it's a clean slate and I can choose the healthy foods. I want to feel better. My mood is mostly good. I'm having some "blues" instances but I'm hanging in here. I just want to feel better physically. Guess I'm trying to give myself a pep talk. I'm that little engine...I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I want to look at my reflection and be happy with what I see. I want to feel that confidence that comes with feeling healthy. I just have to take that first step. I think today is the day. I'm stepping out. I can do this. I know I can.

Here I go.......

today's quote

"Far away there in the sunshine

are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them,

but I can look up

and see their beauty,

believe in them,

and try to follow where they lead."

Louisa May Alcott

Pure escapism

Millions of people play this game. It's pure escapism. It's truly an adventure. It's a world of magic and quests and other worldly characters. D. got a new computer. (Thanks to a tax refund.) So now he can play W.O.W. His character is a night elf druid. Call me a voyeur because I love watching him play. lol There's just something about watching his character doing quests and completing them and battling "evil" creatures and so on. It's really nice to escape the problems of the day....to escape the bad news that CNN always disperses. It's fun to find and enjoy something new. I remember when I was in college, we'd play Dungeon and Dragons. I loved that. (Am I showing my age?) lol And I remember watching D. play Everquest. That was fun...but there's something about seeing W.O.W. on a brand new computer. Computers have come a long way since we bought our first one (1994). I'm amazed at just how good things look...how much better the technology is. Isn't it strange how computers are a natural part of our lives now? When I was "young" (I sound like my parents) they didn't have computers for the average Joe. Even when I was in college (1983) they didn't have personal computers. I took computer in college and in comparison to what we have today....those were like dinosaurs. lol (I really am showing my age.) lol It blows my mind how kids today won't even understand not having computers or iPods, etc. When I was a teenager....there was no such thing as computers for anyone....there was no such thing as iPods....we played records on the record player. We didn't have cell phones. We didn't have cordless phones. There was no such thing as cable or sattelite tv. And now....all of these things are just a natural part of every day life. It's amazing to me. And it makes me feel nostalgic and old. lol We used to go outside to play or play board games....stuff like that. And here I am....watching D. play a role playing game on the computer. One where millions of people around the world play. Go figure. Maybe I can say that I'm not as old as all that. I guess it's true what they say....age is only a number. So I can enjoy myself. I can watch D. play an other worldly character and we can escape the troubles of the world for a little while. There's nothing wrong with that. Not at all.

wisdom

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Chinese Proverb

hints of spring

I was running errands this morning and I noticed that the daffodils and tulip trees are starting to bloom. I LOVE seeing these beautiful blossoms. I am worried that the changing temperatures will hurt the flowers and blooming trees. Yesterday, it was around 70* but today, it's in the upper 30's. (It's colder than the weather people said it was going to be.) And I heard they're predicting snow this weekend! ??? What in the world? I love each and every season. I really do. I love winter, but I think it's because I want snow. When we don't get it....I'd just rather move on into spring. Do I believe it will snow this weekend? Heck no. I'm certainly NOT holding my breath. When they predict it, we don't get it. That's just the way it works. I'd love a wonderful snow storm. I'd love lots of white, sparkling snow. It would be so wonderful, but I'm realistic. I know it's not going to happen this year. Soooo.....I'm ready for the warmer, spring temperatures. I'm ready for the flowers and trees to bloom. I'm ready for all of that beautiful, radiant color. Isn't spring lovely?

sleeping kitty

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

People who snore always fall asleep first.

Author Unknown

And therein lies the problem. I snore. It's due to being overweight. It's a sleep apnea thing. Though, my sleep apnea is mild. My weight is too high. I know that. I've always struggled with it. I hate that it's such a problem. Being 5'2" and an emotional eater doesn't exactly work in my favor. And my lack of willpower. I don't sit around on a chaise lounge indulging in bon bons. I've never done that. And I don't eat all of the time. I just make poor food choices. And I don't exercise enough. I do the bare minimum. I should do more and I want to do more. And now that the weather is improving and the farmer's market will be opening in a few weeks....things will change. It's a slow process....losing weight. I know that. I accept that. Yes. I wish I could do the "I Dream of Jeannie" thing and blink it away. But I can't. I wish I was thinner and could wear a size smaller. I wish I felt so healthy and ready to go. I think one of the things that bothers me most is my sleeping. It's not restful. I toss and turn. I snore. So much so that D. has to sleep on the sofa. I keep him awake and that's not a good thing. With his job...he HAS to get good sleep. The snoring makes me feel so ugly. I don't know how else to put it. And the tossing and turning is frustrating. You'd think I'd be falling asleep at the drop of a hat. You'd think I'd be falling over during the day but I don't. I'm awake. I do things. I'm not napping all day. I just hate bedtime. I hate being a restless sleeper. I hate it that D. can't get good, healthy sleep in bed with me. I know it all boils down to me losing the extra pounds. Guess I thought doing this stupid nose surgery would make a huge difference. Maybe I relied on that a little too much. I have to put myself on notice once and for all. It's now or never, baby. Get healthy. Just do it. For D. For S. But mostly for myself. Just do it.

Hurt feelings

I know it's my sensitivity kicking in. I know how I am. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. I just can't seem to stop it. I wasn't sure how I'd feel when the day came that S. would start to wonder and question his being adopted. We want him to know that he's adopted...that it's okay to talk about it. We absolutely do not want to keep that hidden. That's not right. He's only 6 years old and I'm sure he doesn't fully understand. But he's started asking questions and making statements. He's making comments that I know are natural but they hurt me. And I shouldn't take them to heart. But I do. Recently, he told me that I'm the best #2 mom. I guess that shouldn't hurt, but it does. And then last night, he said he was upset that he had to wait so long to meet his real mom. My heart hurts. I can't help it. My feelings are hurt. I don't know how to put it. I feel like a substitute. I don't feel like a "real" mom right now. I feel like I'm just filling in. And isn't that ridiculous that I feel that way. I know he has questions. Rightfully so. I wish I didn't take it to heart. I wish I was mature enough to rise above what he says. I'm a grown up and I should understand that these comments are going to be made. D. says I'm blowing it way out of proportion and he's probably right. I have a tendency to do that. I need to take lots of deep breaths and let it go. I'm just having a difficult time at the moment. I love S. with all that I am. I prayed for him and God answered my prayers. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. And I love S. with every breath I take. I guess I wish I didn't "rank" as #2. I guess I want to feel like a "real" mom. I didn't give birth to him. I didn't carry him in my body so I guess....technically.... I'm not a "real" mom. I don't know. I don't see him as my adopted son. I see him as mine. Completely. I didn't birth him but I feel like he is so much a part of me....I feel as if I did. I guess I have to toughen up. Not sure how I'll accomplish that. I've never been good at that. I'm too emotional and too sensitive so I'm not sure how I'll get past those things. I've been this way for all of my life and it's hard to change. And that's probably a cowardly thing to say but there it is. Today is just a sad day for me. My feelings are hurt and I'm going to have to go through them cuz I can't go around them. And it sucks.

New Author

I've discovered another new author. Charlaine Harris. I read her novel, Dead Until Dark, part of the Sookie Stackhouse series and I LOVED it! I'm hooked. There are nine books (so far) in the series and I'll be reading each and every one. Just like I did with Robert Crais' books. I finished all of the Elvis Cole novels that he's written so far and am hoping a new novel will be released soon. But now I've got Sookie and her stories to keep me entertained. She is such a southern character! lol She has quirks up one side and down the other. She can read minds and the locals think she's strange. When she meets Bill, a vampire, she finds solace in not being able to hear his thoughts. She finds a soothing quiet. And she's really attracted to him. Now I love vampires. There are lots of heroes in romance novels who are vampires. There's just something about them... having these powers. Everything about them is so intense. And I'm talking about the sexy vampires...the ones you love to love. Not the "rip your throat out" type of vampires. I'm talking about the devoted to their woman....great in bed.... so enigmatic....so dark and compelling. Bill is like that. He has that dark, sexy presence. The way he takes care of Sookie...it intrigues me. And I love her no nonsense way. She doesn't take crap and I think that's so great. She stands up to everyone and has true strength. She's sassy and funny and loving and I like her very, very much. She's special and so is Bill. Next on the reading list is Living Dead in Dallas. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Block Island

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

WARNING: Blue post

Today's topic is regret. Like having them. Lots of them. And it sucks. I hate it. It makes me feel so out of control....in a sense. There are things that I've done and they're already done....in the past and I can't do anything to change them and there you are. Like this surgery I just had. Did I really need a septoplasty? I've been going through life not even aware that my septum was deviated. I didn't know. So I went to the ENT for an ear infection and all of a sudden all sorts of things are off kilter. My ears. My hearing. Allergies. Deviated septum. Who knew? I mean... I don't think this dr. is a hack or anything. My father sees her and loves her. So does D. And she has an excellent reputation. I truly believe she knows what she's talking about....what she's doing. I just wonder if I should've waited on having the surgery. I thought it would be an outpatient procedure but because of my mild sleep apnea....I ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. Not what I'd expected. At all. I was already feeling guilty because of the cost of the procedure. D. keeps telling me that's why we have insurance but I can't stop myself from feeling guilty. It's there. And it won't go away. Especially since I received the statement from the hospital. I know it's just the first thing cuz insurance still has to look at it and make the adjustments, etc. But I burst into tears when I saw the bill. It was $17,000+. For one night in the hospital and all that goes with it. My guilt tripled. I've been telling myself I was stupid and selfish to do the damn surgery. But it's done and I can't go back. I wish I could but I can't. And all of these other regrets are steamrolling my heart. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? I want to change those decisions but I can't. They are frozen in the past. Done. And it kills me. This hindsight. This knowing that I could've done better. I could've been smarter. I could've been less selfish. I could've. (heavy sigh) But there's not a damn thing I can do. Not now. And it hurts my heart. I feel guilty and embarrassed. And it sucks. Regret just sucks. Why didn't I say the right thing? Why didn't I do the right thing? Why? Why? Why? I have to find a way to forgive myself. And that's the tough part. Trying to find the way to that place. I mean....not being able to undo what's already been done....how do I forgive those things? I wish there was a reset button. Then I could make the changes I wish I could make. Then...perhaps...I'd feel like a better person. I'd feel less guilty. Cuz guilt sucks. Regret sucks. Don't know what else to say. There it is. Something I have to deal with. Something I have to come to terms with. Not sure I'll ever get past it but I'll try to move forward. Life is always a struggle. There's always a mountain to climb. Right? I'm just standing at the base....gazing upwards....at the top. Maybe....one day....I'll climb that high and things will look better from up there. We'll see.

It's cold!!!

It's cold! It's cold! It's very, very cold! It's 20*! Now...I'd like to ask. Where's the snow? lol I want snow. I do. I really, really do. I love snow. I love playing in it. I love looking at it...all sparkly and pretty. I love coming inside after playing....all cold and ready to get warm. Having hot chocolate and wrapping up in a blanket. I love that. But...living in the south...having snow isn't a common thing. Sometimes I wish we lived in the northeast, so we could have snow. But we don't. We're here. In the south. Rarely do we get snow. Damn it. lol I can dream, tho. Right? Maybe if I go outside and do a snow dance...then it'll happen? lol

new things....

NEW THINGS!! I love to read. I love to listen to music. Sometimes I get caught up in the same old, same old. It happens. But I've found a new author and a new band. I'm so excited. The new author is Robert Crais. Thanks to my friend, I have been introduced to Elvis Cole and his partner, Joe Pike. Elvis is a private investigator and Joe is his kick butt side kick. The books are mysteries and I've gone from the romance genre to Elvis and his cases. So far, there are 12 books in the series and I've read up through #5. I have 2 more here to read (borrowed from the library) and I've already put 8-11 on hold at the library to have during my surgery recovery time frame. I've been reading these books pretty much in one day. I love them that much. I think I have a crush on Elvis! lol There's just something about him that really appeals to me. I'm digging his stories. Of course, I'm still reading my romance novels...just bought one yesterday and am almost done reading it. I had to do it. Had to read it. Something about the hero of that book that makes me swoon. lol Hey. Can't help it! But I'm hooked on Elvis Cole and have signed up for Robert Crais' newsletters. That way I'll know when each new book is released. Yea!

Also....new music....Forty Foot Echo. Who knew? I was checking out the new releases on iTunes and I discovered Forty Foot by accident. They are awesome! They rock. Seriously! I downloaded 4 of their songs to my iPod but will end up doing the 2 albums. I know I will. They remind me of Nickelback...just a bit. AND Nickelback has a new album out as well and it rocks, too. But I'm thrilled to have found FFE. I downloaded their songs Drift, Save Me, Brand New Day and Long Way Down. Very, very good.

I'm loving Elvis. I'm loving Forty Foot Echo. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

:-)

Making it...........

Eight days into 2009. So far, so good. I feel in control. Getting things clean and organized. There's something about putting things in their places. There's something about staying on top of the chaos....of keeping my environment together. It makes life easier. I don't do well in chaos. I do much, much better with organization. And I'm liking how things are falling into place. It feels good. :-)

I'm having surgery on the 21st to correct my deviated septum. Who knew my septum was deviated??? Certainly not me. I went into the ENT dr. with what I thought was an ear infection and she tells me all of these other problems I have. Oh well. Getting old is a bitch. Right? lol So I'm going to do this surgery. Am I looking forward to it? HELL NO! But I figure I'm an adult...all grown up and I should do everything I can about being healthy. So I'm doing the surgery. Yeehaw! That's one of the reasons why I'm in a nesting mode. I always seem to do this when I'm having a medical procedure or going out of town. I just get into this place where I have to clean and organize. Maybe it's cuz I'm thinking about the silent what if's. What if something happens to me? Then D. and S. won't have to worry about cleaning and organizing. So ridiculous. I know. It's just a thing with me. D. has days off from work to take care of me after the surgery. I'm so thankful that he's such a caring person. When it comes to surgery and his loved ones being sick...he's so thoughtful and loving and attentive. My analytical, logically, non-romantic husband. lol He's the best. He has his moments. We all do. No one is perfect. I'm just thankful that he's in my life. Good and bad. I know I can count on him. He'll be there. He'll take care of me and S. It'll be okay. Even though I'm scared I know he'll be there to comfort and reassure me. :-) I'll just be glad when the whole darn thing is over. At least the house and life will be clean and organized. lol At least I'll have done as much as I can so D. doesn't have to worry about any of that. And I'll feel more in control because of what I'm doing. It's good...feeling in control. I like it. I like it a lot.

It's 2009!

Okay. So it's a new year. 2009. It's a clean slate....a fresh start. It's full of possibilities. Last year was a rollercoaster ride. It was a bit overwhelming with the up's and down's. I'm open to a better year. One that's not a crazy ride. I don't think I've made any resolutions. You know how that goes. You make a resolution and then you seem to break it. You don't follow through. I'm thinking of 2009 as a chance for me to work towards goals. I'm not going to beat myself up over setbacks. I'm going to slowly work on moving forward and reaching the place I yearn to be. I have to do it in small steps so it won't feel so overwhelming. That works best for me. One small step at a time. I can do that. Yep.

I had such a tough time with the holidays. I used to love everything about Christmas. I always felt like a kid...even when I was in my 20's. Somewhere along the line, I switched from being that kid to feeling blue and not wanting to decorate, etc. Don't know if it's related to my mood disorder or not. I just don't know. Now that S. is in our life, we need to decorate and make it kid-like....and I want that for him. I want to see his face and recapture that joy. There's something about seeing a child's excitement during the holidays. Still....I didn't want to decorate. I struggled with it, but did it for S. With the economy being what it is....we just weren't able to buy gifts and spoil family and friends....and I had a hard time with it. I felt guilty and very sad. We couldn't do a lot for S. (sigh) My family agreed to make it about the kids. We agreed that the grown up's wouldn't exchange gifts. Imagine our surprise and guilt on Christmas morning when my family had gifts for me and D. He and I were so very embarrassed. I ended up in tears. The kids were thrilled but D. and I were both sad and felt guilty as hell. We'd agreed to make it about the kids and my family didn't do what they said they'd do. Now don't get me wrong. We appreciated what they did and the gifts they gave us. We're very thankful and they're extremely generous. I wish, tho, that they'd done what we agreed. (sigh) I'm just happy that we're into the new year....that the holidays are done. And I hope that when we roll around to Christmas 2009, I'll be in a much better place emotionally...that we'll be in a better place financially so we can give gifts and spoil our family and friends.

So it's 2009. We made it through 2008 and now have a brand new year to enjoy. We have a chance to move forward...to make changes....to embrace the possibilities. Maybe it's about having a mindset. You know...the think, there for I am? Maybe our mantra could be it's a new year, a clean slate therefore anything is possible. (g) Maybe throwing off the gloomy attitude will be the best thing I can do. I'll try on a new one and see how it fits. I'm sure there will be times when I fall and struggle but I pray that I'll quickly pull myself up. I know I have it in me. I know I can do it. I can.

Here's a toast to 2009. A new year....a fresh start. It's a brand new day. Embrace it.