today's quote

"Far away there in the sunshine

are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them,

but I can look up

and see their beauty,

believe in them,

and try to follow where they lead."

Louisa May Alcott

Pure escapism

Millions of people play this game. It's pure escapism. It's truly an adventure. It's a world of magic and quests and other worldly characters. D. got a new computer. (Thanks to a tax refund.) So now he can play W.O.W. His character is a night elf druid. Call me a voyeur because I love watching him play. lol There's just something about watching his character doing quests and completing them and battling "evil" creatures and so on. It's really nice to escape the problems of the day....to escape the bad news that CNN always disperses. It's fun to find and enjoy something new. I remember when I was in college, we'd play Dungeon and Dragons. I loved that. (Am I showing my age?) lol And I remember watching D. play Everquest. That was fun...but there's something about seeing W.O.W. on a brand new computer. Computers have come a long way since we bought our first one (1994). I'm amazed at just how good things look...how much better the technology is. Isn't it strange how computers are a natural part of our lives now? When I was "young" (I sound like my parents) they didn't have computers for the average Joe. Even when I was in college (1983) they didn't have personal computers. I took computer in college and in comparison to what we have today....those were like dinosaurs. lol (I really am showing my age.) lol It blows my mind how kids today won't even understand not having computers or iPods, etc. When I was a teenager....there was no such thing as computers for anyone....there was no such thing as iPods....we played records on the record player. We didn't have cell phones. We didn't have cordless phones. There was no such thing as cable or sattelite tv. And now....all of these things are just a natural part of every day life. It's amazing to me. And it makes me feel nostalgic and old. lol We used to go outside to play or play board games....stuff like that. And here I am....watching D. play a role playing game on the computer. One where millions of people around the world play. Go figure. Maybe I can say that I'm not as old as all that. I guess it's true what they say....age is only a number. So I can enjoy myself. I can watch D. play an other worldly character and we can escape the troubles of the world for a little while. There's nothing wrong with that. Not at all.

wisdom

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
Chinese Proverb

hints of spring

I was running errands this morning and I noticed that the daffodils and tulip trees are starting to bloom. I LOVE seeing these beautiful blossoms. I am worried that the changing temperatures will hurt the flowers and blooming trees. Yesterday, it was around 70* but today, it's in the upper 30's. (It's colder than the weather people said it was going to be.) And I heard they're predicting snow this weekend! ??? What in the world? I love each and every season. I really do. I love winter, but I think it's because I want snow. When we don't get it....I'd just rather move on into spring. Do I believe it will snow this weekend? Heck no. I'm certainly NOT holding my breath. When they predict it, we don't get it. That's just the way it works. I'd love a wonderful snow storm. I'd love lots of white, sparkling snow. It would be so wonderful, but I'm realistic. I know it's not going to happen this year. Soooo.....I'm ready for the warmer, spring temperatures. I'm ready for the flowers and trees to bloom. I'm ready for all of that beautiful, radiant color. Isn't spring lovely?

sleeping kitty

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

People who snore always fall asleep first.

Author Unknown

And therein lies the problem. I snore. It's due to being overweight. It's a sleep apnea thing. Though, my sleep apnea is mild. My weight is too high. I know that. I've always struggled with it. I hate that it's such a problem. Being 5'2" and an emotional eater doesn't exactly work in my favor. And my lack of willpower. I don't sit around on a chaise lounge indulging in bon bons. I've never done that. And I don't eat all of the time. I just make poor food choices. And I don't exercise enough. I do the bare minimum. I should do more and I want to do more. And now that the weather is improving and the farmer's market will be opening in a few weeks....things will change. It's a slow process....losing weight. I know that. I accept that. Yes. I wish I could do the "I Dream of Jeannie" thing and blink it away. But I can't. I wish I was thinner and could wear a size smaller. I wish I felt so healthy and ready to go. I think one of the things that bothers me most is my sleeping. It's not restful. I toss and turn. I snore. So much so that D. has to sleep on the sofa. I keep him awake and that's not a good thing. With his job...he HAS to get good sleep. The snoring makes me feel so ugly. I don't know how else to put it. And the tossing and turning is frustrating. You'd think I'd be falling asleep at the drop of a hat. You'd think I'd be falling over during the day but I don't. I'm awake. I do things. I'm not napping all day. I just hate bedtime. I hate being a restless sleeper. I hate it that D. can't get good, healthy sleep in bed with me. I know it all boils down to me losing the extra pounds. Guess I thought doing this stupid nose surgery would make a huge difference. Maybe I relied on that a little too much. I have to put myself on notice once and for all. It's now or never, baby. Get healthy. Just do it. For D. For S. But mostly for myself. Just do it.

Hurt feelings

I know it's my sensitivity kicking in. I know how I am. Wearing my heart on my sleeve. I just can't seem to stop it. I wasn't sure how I'd feel when the day came that S. would start to wonder and question his being adopted. We want him to know that he's adopted...that it's okay to talk about it. We absolutely do not want to keep that hidden. That's not right. He's only 6 years old and I'm sure he doesn't fully understand. But he's started asking questions and making statements. He's making comments that I know are natural but they hurt me. And I shouldn't take them to heart. But I do. Recently, he told me that I'm the best #2 mom. I guess that shouldn't hurt, but it does. And then last night, he said he was upset that he had to wait so long to meet his real mom. My heart hurts. I can't help it. My feelings are hurt. I don't know how to put it. I feel like a substitute. I don't feel like a "real" mom right now. I feel like I'm just filling in. And isn't that ridiculous that I feel that way. I know he has questions. Rightfully so. I wish I didn't take it to heart. I wish I was mature enough to rise above what he says. I'm a grown up and I should understand that these comments are going to be made. D. says I'm blowing it way out of proportion and he's probably right. I have a tendency to do that. I need to take lots of deep breaths and let it go. I'm just having a difficult time at the moment. I love S. with all that I am. I prayed for him and God answered my prayers. All I ever wanted was to be a mom. And I love S. with every breath I take. I guess I wish I didn't "rank" as #2. I guess I want to feel like a "real" mom. I didn't give birth to him. I didn't carry him in my body so I guess....technically.... I'm not a "real" mom. I don't know. I don't see him as my adopted son. I see him as mine. Completely. I didn't birth him but I feel like he is so much a part of me....I feel as if I did. I guess I have to toughen up. Not sure how I'll accomplish that. I've never been good at that. I'm too emotional and too sensitive so I'm not sure how I'll get past those things. I've been this way for all of my life and it's hard to change. And that's probably a cowardly thing to say but there it is. Today is just a sad day for me. My feelings are hurt and I'm going to have to go through them cuz I can't go around them. And it sucks.

New Author

I've discovered another new author. Charlaine Harris. I read her novel, Dead Until Dark, part of the Sookie Stackhouse series and I LOVED it! I'm hooked. There are nine books (so far) in the series and I'll be reading each and every one. Just like I did with Robert Crais' books. I finished all of the Elvis Cole novels that he's written so far and am hoping a new novel will be released soon. But now I've got Sookie and her stories to keep me entertained. She is such a southern character! lol She has quirks up one side and down the other. She can read minds and the locals think she's strange. When she meets Bill, a vampire, she finds solace in not being able to hear his thoughts. She finds a soothing quiet. And she's really attracted to him. Now I love vampires. There are lots of heroes in romance novels who are vampires. There's just something about them... having these powers. Everything about them is so intense. And I'm talking about the sexy vampires...the ones you love to love. Not the "rip your throat out" type of vampires. I'm talking about the devoted to their woman....great in bed.... so enigmatic....so dark and compelling. Bill is like that. He has that dark, sexy presence. The way he takes care of Sookie...it intrigues me. And I love her no nonsense way. She doesn't take crap and I think that's so great. She stands up to everyone and has true strength. She's sassy and funny and loving and I like her very, very much. She's special and so is Bill. Next on the reading list is Living Dead in Dallas. Can't wait to see what happens next.

Block Island

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."

Ralph Waldo Emerson

WARNING: Blue post

Today's topic is regret. Like having them. Lots of them. And it sucks. I hate it. It makes me feel so out of control....in a sense. There are things that I've done and they're already done....in the past and I can't do anything to change them and there you are. Like this surgery I just had. Did I really need a septoplasty? I've been going through life not even aware that my septum was deviated. I didn't know. So I went to the ENT for an ear infection and all of a sudden all sorts of things are off kilter. My ears. My hearing. Allergies. Deviated septum. Who knew? I mean... I don't think this dr. is a hack or anything. My father sees her and loves her. So does D. And she has an excellent reputation. I truly believe she knows what she's talking about....what she's doing. I just wonder if I should've waited on having the surgery. I thought it would be an outpatient procedure but because of my mild sleep apnea....I ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. Not what I'd expected. At all. I was already feeling guilty because of the cost of the procedure. D. keeps telling me that's why we have insurance but I can't stop myself from feeling guilty. It's there. And it won't go away. Especially since I received the statement from the hospital. I know it's just the first thing cuz insurance still has to look at it and make the adjustments, etc. But I burst into tears when I saw the bill. It was $17,000+. For one night in the hospital and all that goes with it. My guilt tripled. I've been telling myself I was stupid and selfish to do the damn surgery. But it's done and I can't go back. I wish I could but I can't. And all of these other regrets are steamrolling my heart. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? I want to change those decisions but I can't. They are frozen in the past. Done. And it kills me. This hindsight. This knowing that I could've done better. I could've been smarter. I could've been less selfish. I could've. (heavy sigh) But there's not a damn thing I can do. Not now. And it hurts my heart. I feel guilty and embarrassed. And it sucks. Regret just sucks. Why didn't I say the right thing? Why didn't I do the right thing? Why? Why? Why? I have to find a way to forgive myself. And that's the tough part. Trying to find the way to that place. I mean....not being able to undo what's already been done....how do I forgive those things? I wish there was a reset button. Then I could make the changes I wish I could make. Then...perhaps...I'd feel like a better person. I'd feel less guilty. Cuz guilt sucks. Regret sucks. Don't know what else to say. There it is. Something I have to deal with. Something I have to come to terms with. Not sure I'll ever get past it but I'll try to move forward. Life is always a struggle. There's always a mountain to climb. Right? I'm just standing at the base....gazing upwards....at the top. Maybe....one day....I'll climb that high and things will look better from up there. We'll see.