Being thankful

Thanksgiving was Thursday. I spent it with my family and it was nice...sharing quality time. I have so much for which I'm thankful. Yeah...it's nice to have that turkey and dressing. But, for me, it's more than the food. I've said it before...that I think Thanksgiving should be given a chance. It seems to be forgotten. It's overshadowed by Christmas and I think that's sad. It would be nice if everyone stopped and took the time to remember the good things in life. I struggle with different things in my life and I seem to get caught up in them. But I have to remind myself of the wonderful things I have. A house over my head. Being able to buy food. Being healthy. Having such loving family and friends. Having a beautiful son and a husband who I love very much. I live in a country where I'm free. I have rights and I can express myself and not worry about being punished for those things. I guess we get caught up in the things that happen in our day to day life and we forget to look at the big picture.

I experienced something on Thursday that touched my heart. For me, it was a sure sign of God's work. S. and I went to church with my family. There wasn't children's church so S. had to sit in church with us and listen to the entire service. Well...you can imagine a 6 year old doing that. He actually did really well until he noticed his cousins who had snuck in with my sister-in-law and brother. S. went from being mostly good and quiet to being VERY excited. My niece and nephew moved to sit with us and somehow my nephew ended up sitting next to S. BAD thing! S. went from good and well-mannered to loud and fairly out of control because he was so excited. It reached the point where I had to take him out of church and into the parish hall. I sat S. down and asked him what did he think he was doing. I asked him what happened to his good manners. I explained that people were trying to listen to the sermon and the prayers and music. I told him it was rude, disrespectful to do that. I told S. that I understood that he was excited to see his cousins...that they'd be playing all afternoon. I asked him to be considerate...to let the folks in church hear what was being said...to let them enjoy being in church. All of a sudden, we hear a "Happy Thanksgiving." I looked over and there was a woman....she was about 40 years old...I think. She was in a wheelchair and it was obvious that she was struggling with life. I know she attends St. Mary's. I've seen her around. I just didn't know her name....I've never spoken with her. (We never go to the hospitality hour after the church service.) She came over and told S. that he had a lot to be thankful for. She told him that she doesn't have any family. That she didn't have anywhere to live....how much she struggles with life. S. got very quiet and listened to her. She told him that he was lucky to have a mother who loved him so much...that he was lucky to have family and the good things he had in life. I turned to S. and said, "Do you understand what she's saying?" And he nodded his head. I could tell that her words were sinking in and affecting him. She asked if he wanted a hug and he got all shy and shook his head. She said, "No? Then how about a high five." S. got up and went right over to her and high fived her. I asked if he was ready to go back into church and he said yes. I turned to her and said, "Thank you." She said, "I didn't mean to interrupt." And I said, "No. You did NOT interrupt. Thank you." I asked her if she was coming back into the church...to the service. She said she wanted to finish her coffee...to leave the door from the parish hall open. S. and I went back in and sat down...in a different pew. I didn't want to put him right back into a place where he'd be sitting next to his cousin and be tempted to get carried away. We have this thing in our service. We do the peace. It's where the minister says, "The peace of the Lord be always with you." And the congregation says, "And also with you." Then we all turn and shake hands and hug our neighbors. I got up and went to the gal in the wheelchair and I hugged her. I told her thank you again and she told me her name. Tiger Price. We all sat down and the service continued. After the service was over, I told my mom what had happened and she told me that Tiger struggles with drugs and other things and that sometimes they have problems with her. I said, "Well...she's wonderful. She gave us a true gift." I watched S. take his cousin over to meet Tiger. They talked with her for quite a while. As we were leaving, S. turned to me and said, "Mommy, I took L. over to meet my new friend." As you can imagine, I got all weepy. See? God at work? Yes. Tiger is an angel. You can tell that life has been so hard for her...on her and yet...she reached out and shared. She reminded me of how God works...how he brought Tiger to St. Mary's and how she made such a difference in S.'s life...in my life. I didn't know her before Thursday. As I said, I'd seen her there. But now, now I know who she is and you can bet...from now on...I will talk with her...I'll hug her. I'll remember what she did...how she touched me...us...and I'll thank her over and over for her gift.

Yeah...I'm thankful for the things and people in my life. But I'm thankful for experiences like the one with Tiger Price. I'm thankful that God brings such gifts into my life.

Thank you.

just rambling......

I think fall is really and truly here. It was downright cold today....46*. Woohoo! I love the cold weather. I'm ready for it. I'm ready for some snow! lol Love snow! Most of the leaves have fallen. There's still lots of color but you can see lots of bare branches now. I love how the golden light of fall shines on the trees. It's amazing. But I think the temps will be cool from here on out. Everyone keeps saying we're in for a cold winter and I hope they're right. I really, really, really want some snow. We had one good snow in early March and we had so much fun playing in it. I hope we'll have more this winter. Ideally, I'd love a white Christmas. That, to me, is the ultimate gift. There's something so nostalgic about it. I remember waking up to snow on Christmas when I was young and we lived in New York. I'm always reminded of that when I watch the movie, A Christmas Story, and Ralphie wakes up on Christmas morning and looks out the window. There's a fresh blanket of snow on the ground and he says, "Whoa....." My sentiments exactly. I've been there. I remember it so clearly. I'd love to experience that again. I don't want any presents. Nothing material. I simply want quality family time and a beautiful, snowy day. Not sure the snow will happen, but I can wish for the quality family time. I get so tired of the commercialism during this season. Halloween wasn't even over before the stores had the Christmas stuff up. I wanted to scream! For me....doing Christmas stuff doesn't happen until the actual month of December begins. Call me a Scrooge, but that's the way I am. I'm not one of those folks who will be doing my Christmas decorating on Thanksgiving day. Nope. I think Thanksgiving deserves some celebrating....some attention. Poor, ol' Turkey Day gets pushed into the background and it makes me sad. We used to have Halloween...then Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Each holiday got its own time in the limelight. Not anymore. Nope. We go straight from Halloween into Christmas and it seems like Halloween will get inched out pretty soon by Christmas just like Thanksgiving. Hmph. Bah humbug! lol I want my Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade! I want my turkey and dressing! I want my afternoon nap! lol I want to spend time with my family celebrating with them and being thankful for the good, beautiful things in my life. Let's take that time. Then....then...I can look towards Christmas. We'll put up the tree. We'll figure out where to hang the ornaments....has to be just the right place. We'll hang our stockings. We'll do our decorating. We'll bake cookies for Santa. We'll get out our craft supplies and make things to hang around the house and on the tree. We'll watch all of the classic Christmas shows...like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, How the Grinch Stole Christmas and my absolute favorite, A Christmas Story. That is one of my all time favorite movies!!!!!! You'll shoot your eye out!!!! lmao I haven't really been in the mood for the holidays. I've almost been dreading the whole thing. But now... writing about it...I'm thinking I can embrace the holiday spirit. :-) S. is already beyond excited about Christmas and I think he's winning me over with his enthusiasm. Gosh I love that view of the world through a child's eyes. It rocks! Being grown up (ancient - lol)....I forget the joy and wonder of Christmas. In the movie, The Polar Express, the little boy gets the sleigh bell from Santa but he can't hear it until he actually believes. Turns out...as the kids grew up...they could no longer hear the ring of the bell. I suppose that's happened to me. I forgot to believe so I can't hear that beautiful ringing sound. I think I'll just open myself up....grab hold of my son's hand and start believing so I can hear the bell. Sounds like a pretty wonderful, magical idea to me. Think I'll just do that.

I love bears!

Another layout I did recently. I collect teddy bears. Just love'em! My absolute favorite bear is Winnie the Pooh. (Can you see that?) I look at a bear's face and I can just tell he/she is meant to live with me. I don't even know how many bears I have. Too many to count I think. lol I remember when I was a little girl. I had a bear...."big bear" and I'd carry him around constantly. I sucked my thumb when I was little and I'd rub the fur against my nose. That bear just fell apart. Wish I still had him. But I have many other fuzzy wuzzies and I love them all.

Latest Layout

I actually sat down yesterday and did a layout. The leaves are finally changing color and I took some pictures of the fall colors. Too pretty.

U.S.S. Hornet

A link to a website with some info on haunted happenings on the Hornet.

http://www.hauntedbay.com/features/usshornet.shtml

Boo!

I'll admit it. I love the show, Ghost Hunters, on the SciFi channel. I believe in the paranormal. I think it's fascinating. Cool. Interesting. Spooky. Exhilirating. I love watching Ghost Hunters and seeing what they find (or don't find). I watched last night, and they were investigating the U.S.S. Hornet.

USS Hornet (CV/CVA/CVS-12) is a United States Navy aircraft carrier of the Essex class. Construction started in August 1942; she was originally named USS Kearsarge, but was renamed in honor of the USS Hornet (CV-8), which was lost in October 1942, becoming the eighth ship to bear the name. Hornet was commissioned in November 1943, and after three months of training joined the U.S. forces in the Pacific War. She played a major part in the Pacific battles of World War II, and also took part in Operation Magic Carpet, returning troops back to the U.S. Following World War II, she served in the Vietnam War, and also played a part in the Apollo program, recovering astronauts as they returned from the Moon. Hornet was finally decommissioned in 1970. She was eventually designated a National Historic Landmark, and in 1998 she opened to the public as a museum at the former Naval Air Station Alameda in Alameda, California.

Talk about a spooky place! Yikes! The cast had lots of personal experiences and I was on the edge of my seat. (grin) If I had the chance to go on an investigation, I'd do it in a heartbeat. Now I don't want to run screaming. I'm not up for that. lol But I'd like to tag along with Grant and Jason. They seem so cool and calm in most situations and they've investigated lots of places. I'd just hang out with them and let them do all of the work while I observed. lol Sounds like fun! (teehee)

soccer playing dawg.....

Yep. We have a soccer playing dawg! Here's Sophie taking a break and waiting for S. to join the game. lol

the big pumpkin

Well...it's not a picture of the big pumpkin at night all aglow but I wanted to share a picture. Silly pumpkin!

Pumpkins....

Saturday, S. and I went to the Farmer's Market. I keep saying I want to go, but for some reason have felt intimidated. I have NO idea why. S. has been asking about buying our Halloween pumpkin and I told him we would NOT buy one at a parking lot pumpkin patch. Nope. I said we'd go to the Farmer's Market and we did. It was really cold Saturday morning, and there were tons of people at and around the Farmer's Market. They're doing early voting at the Agricenter and they were doing the Race for the Cure. AND there were lots of people at the market. We went inside the market building first and it was sooo cold. Wow! I bought some huge, home grown tomatoes, green peppers and onions. Those tomatoes were amazing! Sooo big. I made chili that night and I put green peppers and onion in and those market veggies rocked. For some reason, they tasted better than the ones I buy at the grocery. Yum! After we bought our veggies, we went to a nursery/pumpkin patch next door. They had lots and lots of pumpkins. Teeny tiny ones and HUGE ones. Those big pumpkins were incredible. They cost around $30!!! S. was looking at those and I kept saying, "Smaller!" lol I felt like we were picking out our Christmas tree! lol We had to find just the right one. And we did find one....not too big and not too expensive. We put it in our wagon and bought two smaller ones as well. S. was so cute pulling that little, red wagon around with the pumpkins inside. (g) After we paid, S. pulled the wagon to our van and he put the smaller pumpkins inside. I hauled the bigger one and managed to get it into the van without dropping it to the ground! Hooray! We carved them on Sunday. D. did most of the work. S. was so grossed out about having to reach in and pull out the seeds and "guts." He cracked us up!! S. picked out the face for the big one and D. picked out the faces for the two smaller pumpkins. I was happy with the three faces and grabbed my camera to document the moment. I want to take some photos of the finished pumpkins all aglow. I'll post a photo after we do that.

All in all, it was a wonderful morning. S. and I had the best time checking out the Farmer's Market and the pumpkin patch. It was one of those crisp, sunny, autumn days and it was glorious to be outside with my sweet boy. I'm so glad we went to the Farmer's Market as opposed to looking for a pumpkin in a parking lot or in the grocery store. Seeing the smile on S.'s face said it all. What an awesome memory for me.

sadness

Sadness. Depression. Falling into that dark place. It's the other half of being bipolar. The pendulum swings. It happens. The disorder pushes you into the pit and you can't help it. The chemicals are out of whack. Life stuff grips you. Things combine to pull you under...until you're drowning in the sadness. Some people can pull themselves out. They know the ways to grab the strength...to hold on until they're on dry land. They're a little wet....their blues quickly falling away. For those of us who are bipolar, we have a hard time finding the strength to pull ourselves out of the black sea. It seems too difficult. We can't see the way out. We try to hold on for dear life. We try to stay afloat but the waves are too high. They wash over us and we can't seem to stay above water. The sadness can be so overwhelming, so debilitating....we lose our way. Feeling unworthy. Like a burden. Like those who love us would be better off without us. I've been there. In my mind, it made sense for me to end my life. It seemed like my loved ones would be in a much better place without me...without the insanity. I've been that low. The pit was the lowest, the darkest. It was so dark...I couldn't see a way out. I was drowning in the sadness. Drowning. Going down. Sinking. Somehow, though, I didn't. I found a small amount of strength and I let God lead me in a better direction. When I find myself in the pit, I have the hardest time embracing my faith but somehow I do. If I let go, I can find a way to dry land. I can really stretch and pray and listen. I crawled and pulled myself along the path towards a better place. I found a good doctor. I put my trust in God and in my psychiatrist. I discovered a healing path. It's taken me years....14 years...to reach this place. And don't get me wrong. I struggle every day. I fight the mood swings. I dive into the dark sea but I think I tend to go into the shallow end. I know what makes a difference. The meds. Without a doubt. I've finally found the right combination and it's working. I think I can say the balance is pretty good. It'll never be perfect but it's okay now. I know the pendulum is still there...in the distance. I'm aware of it. But I know it. I recognize it so I know what's there. I'll feel any changes in my mood and I can do something about it. I can ask for help. I can reach out and hang on and not let myself get dragged under. It's not an easy thing. No. But it is doable. It is. I just have to take those baby steps. One day at a time. It is possible. I believe it's possible. I know I have the strength. And I know God is on my side. I believe that. I know I'm not alone and it brings me comfort and peace. I know...for me... sadness happens. The depression is a part of the mood disorder. I don't like it but I accept it. I guess accepting it and staying strong...for the most part...keeps me moving forward. And moving forward is what it's all about. Right?

trust

Trust: to place confidence

How can a relationship exist without trust? How does a relationship survive without it? I don't know. We all make mistakes. We're human, after all. We're not perfect. Sometimes we make poor choices and when we realize our stupidity...it's painful and overwhelming. It's not like we all go out with the intention of doing stupid things. Right? I think we tend to do things the wrong way, but that's how we learn. We learn from our mistakes. I know that I'm a work in progress. I know I'm not perfect. Don't think I'd want to be. I know I'm faulty. Those things go with being me...being human. I believe...when in a relationship...be it friendship, with family members, in a marriage...shit happens. Pardon my French, but there it is. Good stuff happens. Bad stuff happens. We make a bad choice. We say the wrong thing. We do or don't do something that angers or hurts the other person. Most people don't take that road on purpose. We're not hurtful on purpose. Right? I'm not. I'm really not that type of person. Whenever we choose the wrong path...whenever we make those poor choices...we should ask for forgiveness. We should move forward. We should leave the past in the past. We need to stop flipping through the files in our mind...in our memory. We need to stop pulling out the negative memories. We need to close the files and put them safely away. Opening them and dragging them out only makes life more difficult. If a relationship is strong enough then...I believe...it should be able to let the love wash over the transgressions. Love should lift up and heal. I believe in the love conquers all saying. Like it says in the Bible:

1 Corinthians 13

Love 1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Isn't this something we should hold dear? I think so. These verses show us the way. Love is the greatest thing of all. Seems to me...we should all strive towards this. We need to love. We need to forgive. We need to embrace one another. Yes, we all make mistakes. We are human...but we can push aside the drama, the hurt, the sad, haunting memories. I hope I can be a better person. I want to live in love and I'm going to do all I can to do just that. I hope and pray that others can find their way to do this as well. Let love and trust prevail. Let's believe in one another. Let's follow this path so we can keep moving forward....so we can find the happiness and peace that we all deserve. We're worth it. We are. Just close those files in your memory and move forward. Please. Just do it.

Riding the rollercoaster......

Mood swings. No fun. I can go from energized and elated to so blue it overwhelms me. My mood has really been good these past few weeks. I've been riding a mile high and I've felt so good about everything. I know I've been manic. Only mildly so, but it always alarms me. I'm so aware of my moods....especially the manic side. I've made so many poor choices while being manic and I'm terrified of being in that place. Years have passed since that "out of control" time, but there are times when those years seem so fresh...like they just happened. When my past grips me...well... it takes my breath away and not in a good way. I feel so good when I'm manic. Having that "high" is amazing. Having the energy....the excitement....the "I can do anything" attitude...it feels so damn good. And even though I know being manic is dangerous, I do realize that I'm not so far into it that I'm going to walk the wild side....that I'm going to jump into the pool of poor choices. It baffles me...how I can feel so over-the-top elated and then the next moment, I feel so incredibly blue....sad. It's unnerving. I don't recognize that the pendulum has swung...not initially. But it hits me. The lightbulb goes on and I understand what's happened. One minute...I'm "high" and in the blink of an eye....I want to weep. I don't like feeling so out of control. I don't like the swinging back and forth. I so want to walk an even keel. I want to keep that balance. I hate to think what my moods would be without my meds. That thought scares me. Terrifies me. I'm really thankful I have the meds to help. But I also feel dependent... controlled....held prisoner...in a way. The chemical imbalance in my brain is out of whack and the only way I can keep it in check is to rely on medication. I keep forgetting that there are lots of diseases that require medication. It is okay to take the medicine to be healthy. But even with the meds, I still have the mood swings. And that sucks. I'm doing something to help but I still feel trapped...in a sense. I often say that life is a rollercoaster and it is. There are regular highs and lows in my daily life. Those are separate from the bipolar highs and lows. Life stuff. Adding the bipolar highs and lows...well...they make the ride off kilter. I'm stuck in the seat with the bar holding me down and all I can do is ride. Sometimes I just want to get off. Take a break. But there is no break. Not with being bipolar. It is what it is. So today....I'm in the the bottom of the loop. I've been riding the high but today I'm riding the low. All I can do is hold on tight. I'm closing my eyes and trying not to scream. I keep the thought going through my mind...it'll be over soon. Hang in there. You can survive the ride. It'll even out eventually and you'll be in a better place. Just hold on. Be strong. Be patient with yourself. You know what's happening and everything will be alright.

If you like to doodle...

here's a link where you can do abstract doodling ala Jackson Pollock. The page will come up white. Click your mouse and drag it around. You'll start "painting" in one color. Click the mouse again and again to change colors. It's really fun. Check it out.

http://www.jacksonpollock.org/

To Believe

"To Believe..."

Author Unknown

To believe is to know that every day

is a new beginning.

It is to trust that miracles happen,

and dreams really do come true.

To believe is to see angels dancing among the clouds,

To know the wonder of a stardust sky

and the wisdom of the man in the moon.

To believe is to know the value of a nurturing heart,

The innocense of a child's eyes

and the beauty of an aging hand,

for it is through their teachings we learn to love.

To believe is to find the strength

and courage that lies within us,

When it is time to pick up the pieces and begin again.

To believe is to know we are not alone,

That life is a gift and this is our time to cherish it.

To believe is to know that wonderful surprises

are just waiting to happen,

And all our hopes and dreams are within reach.

If only we believe.

Finding that mojo..............

One of my friends was talking about not feeling her mojo. She was referring mostly to her creative mojo but also in all areas of her life. I can relate to that. With the way things are in the world, in our country and in our lives, it's hard to move past the difficult stuff. How are we supposed to rise above so much bad news, so much negativity? I don't know. I don't have any answers. I feel pulled under...like the weight of everything keeps me under the surface and I'm struggling to free myself from the heaviness. I find myself so completely overwhelmed by the financial problems occuring in America. What are we supposed to do about the Wall Street woes and the increasing national and personal debt? The credit crisis? People are losing so much. Money. Jobs. Homes. So much. The government passed the $7 billion dollar bail out. Really and truly...where is that money coming from? And will it make a difference? Will it solve the problems once and for all...so we don't find ourselves in this same place in the future? I wonder. We struggle. We watch other people struggle. We see it in our lives...at home. We see it on the news...read about it in the papers. We're surrounded by it. And then there's the presidential election. It's about one month away. I'll be so glad when it's all said and done. I'm very tired of the back and forth...the mud slinging...the same rhetoric. It's past being old. I'm afraid. Of what will happen. Either way. I honestly don't know if it's possible to fix the problems that exist in America. But I'm no politician. I'm no expert in these matters. I'm just an average American with views, opinions, hopes, dreams. I feel as if I'm on the outside looking in. Looking through the window but I'm unable to actually reach in and touch. KWIM? So why wouldn't our mojo be affected? Creative or other. I believe we have to be extra kind to ourselves. We have to take a step back from the daily grind. We have to turn off the news. Skip the paper for a day. Remember the things we enjoy doing and just shut out the insanity so we can focus on them. Immerse ourselves in the things that bring us joy. Whether it's a hobby, spending time with family or friends, reading, watching a movie, listening to music...whatever it is...just take the time to enjoy it. Because I'm bipolar, it's easy for me to slip into a major case of the blues. I have the hardest time walking around the blah's. I always seem to wade in and then I get all wet and I'm stuck. I need to pay close attention to where I walk. I need to make sure I go around the puddles. I need to stay on dry ground. I try to find the little things that make me smile. I'm blessed to have such a precious son who is so outgoing and open with his feelings. Several times a day, he tells me I'm the best...that he loves me. He makes me smile. I can grasp some mojo from his loving attention. I find ways to escape the blues. I listen to upbeat music. I find a favorite book and get caught up in the story. I pull out my favorite movie and curl up on the sofa with a blanket and some chocolate. It's okay to do that. It's okay to put the routine to the side and allow yourself time to be with yourself. It's okay to take care of you. It's okay to find your happy place. You need to let go. You need to splurge. You need to go for it. And it's okay if your mojo doesn't leap to life. It make take a while. Your mojo may have to return slowly and quietly. Just let it happen. I have to remind myself of this. I have to remember that it's okay to be in a mojo-less place. The more I try to force it...the longer it stays away. We just have to relax and take lots of deep breaths. Let's take a time out and indulge. It's okay. We deserve it. Right?

another card

Card Making Day 2008

I LOVE making cards. I started doing it and now I just can't go back to buying them. It's fun and they're from the heart. Not some Hallmark greeting. KWIM? So Saturday was National Card Making Day. I'd hoped to make bunches of cards but only managed to make one. I let S. and yard work take me away from my scraproom. But it's okay. At least I made one. :-)

Mirror Reflection

"You’ve no idea what a poor opinion
I have of myself
and how little I deserve it."
Sir William Schwenck Gilbert

I look in the mirror and the reflection I see makes me want to shatter the glass into a million pieces. What I see is an ugly, overweight woman. It's my perception of myself. I don't want to see that image, but I do. I think it's the overweight thing that gets to me. It's as if that fact snowballs and every negative thing I feel about myself runs me down. I yearn for that positive strength. I wish I could feel strong and determined. I believe those things exist in me. I do. It's just grasping them. Hanging onto them and not letting them dig deep....not letting them hide. I know what I need to do. I know the steps I need to take to reach a healthy place. I'm having trouble holding on to my willpower. It's almost as if that personal strength is out of reach. It's right there. My arm is outstretched. My fingers are almost touching it but I can't grab hold. And it's more than frustrating. Painful. I've done it before. I've lost weight. I just let the stress and "problems" surround me and I turn to food for comfort. I don't sit around eating. It's just the food choices I make. And the lack of exercise. It's ridiculous. Knowing exactly what I need to do and allowing myself to push that knowledge to the side. I want to scream...."Get it together! Get up off your butt and move! Do this for yourself! Get healthy!" It's what I want to do. It's what I need to do. I just let myself slide into that apathetic place. Stupid. Weak. Ultimately, I know that I'm a beautiful person. I'm not talking about on the outside. I'd never claim to be beautiful in looks. Maybe cute? But I think my heart is good. I think my soul is good. I think an inner beauty is waiting for me to embrace it. I just need to snatch my willpower. It keeps dancing just out of reach. I need to be strong and grab it. I need to hold it close. I need to take that first step. I need to move forward. I know I can do it. I know I can. I have to let go and jump into the possibilities of what I can be. Of how I see myself. Today is the first day. Today is a new beginning. It starts now. I'll work on reaching the place where I can say I love myself. Where I say I'm okay. Then I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful, healthy person. And it will be wonderful. No need to shatter the glass. Just the peace in seeing the woman reflecting back at me.

Therapy - Working Through the Issues

Being bipolar is a challenge. Having a chemical imbalance in my brain is overwhelming. It's scary. But I've accepted it. Mostly. I take the meds necessary to keep me on an even keel. (Dare I say that?) I know they're important in staying mentally healthy. And I'm a big believer in therapy...in counseling. I think...if you connect with the right therapist...you can make lots of progress. I've done individual therapy....just one on one. I've been comfortable with that. I've taken breaks inbetween therapists. I guess you'd call it "breathing room." I was referred to my current (soon to be "ex") therapist, and I really liked her. A lot. I felt like she really "got" me. We connected and I felt safe with her. Initially, she guided me to good places. I really studied my feelings, where I was in life. I felt like I was making some serious progress. The thing is....this therapist is big into group therapy. Now I've never participated in group therapy. It intimidated the hell out of me. She encouraged me and I decided to go for it. And in the beginning...it was okay. I did feel put on the spot when it came to giving feedback. Six women....taking turns working on their issues...working through their anger, sadness, fears, etc. Laying it out there....being in such a vulnerable place. In a way, I felt like I was hanging with the girls, but I also felt like I was eavesdropping on some very personal things. And going around the room...after a person "worked"...having to give feedback... was very difficult for me. I never knew what to say. You're not supposed to give advice. You're supposed to say things like, "I see your sadness....I hear your anger....I understand what you're saying...feeling...etc." I've never done that...with a group of "strangers." But I guess I can't call them strangers considering how personal the discussions were. I always felt like I was supposed to share this perfect feedback and I never could find the words. I just couldn't find them. I felt like an idiot. But still...I wanted to hang in there...to give it a chance. Except...several weeks ago...I was encouraged to journal after sharing something....doing some "work"....and then having my therapist tell me I have a social phobia. Huh? Others in the group agreed. Okay. They "encouraged"me to journal about it and bring it to the next group. I did it. I love to journal. I love to write. So I did it. I wrote about things that had happened in my life...writing about my history. There have been situations in my life where I've been hurt...where I've been taken advantage of...and I don't jump out there just partying or going crazy. I'm completely happy and at ease with where I am in my relationships. I don't need to be the life of the party...surrounded by lots of people to be content. I'm where I want to be and I don't consider myself as being a social phobic. What the hell is that anyway? But I wrote....from my heart. I know how to write and I think I'm pretty darn good at expressing myself that way. I took my journaling to group and I shared it. I laid myself bare and shared my writing...my thoughts. I felt brave. I pushed aside my fear of sharing something so precious to me. I went out there....let myself be in that vulnerable place. And....my therapist told me I didn't journal. Journaling is handwritten...not typed. I wrote a very nice history but I didn't journal. I didn't say how I feel. I beg to differ. My groupmates agreed with her. They said they got to know me...that it was a nice narrative but it wasn't journaling. Sharing my writing is a very, very personal thing for me. It's not something I do easily. I thought I'd expressed myself. I thought I'd painted a picture with my words. I thought...if ever...that they'd really get me. They'd see me and how I feel and they'd understand. Only...they didn't. They dismissed me and what I wrote. They "came down" on me. They told me I needed to journal again...only this time...I needed to handwrite it and talk about how I feel. I was hurt. I was sad. I was angry. Still am. I came home and I journaled. I did it in my own handwriting...only I didn't write about having a "social phobia"...no...I wrote about them and how I felt betrayed. I put myself out there and they didn't get it. They dismissed me and my feelings, my thoughts. The following week...as the time for group approached....I knew I couldn't go. I couldn't face that criticism again. I just couldn't. So I didn't go. I called and gave an excuse and didn't go. Then last week, I missed group cuz I was doing my endless mammogram. (see earlier post)

The thought has been in my mind for a while but it got pushed to the forefront after the journaling event. I haven't felt comfortable in that group. I haven't felt comfortable with my therapist. I haven't felt safe. I've been feeling like I'm being attacked...at least a little. Instead of feeling like I'm moving forward and making progress....I feel trapped and miserable. Not good. I received a call from my therapist earlier in the week saying she wanted to change the time group started. She has 3 people she wants to bring into the group...bringing the total number of members to 8. We have a hard enough time getting everyone's work in with 5 of us. How in the hell will it work with 8 people? But she called and told me what she wanted to do and I told her I couldn't do the new time. She started pressuring me and I felt backed into a corner. I need to take care of my family. That's my priority. The new time wouldn't work for me but I told her I'd try to figure something out. But the more I thought about it...the more I knew I didn't want to make the change. I started thinking...the nerve! When I went to group yesterday, the first thing she asked me was if I was able to work anything out. I told her no...that the proposed time wouldn't work for me. Needless to say...that didn't go over well. Back to the pushing...the pressure. Can't you do this? Can't you do that? Can't you be more flexible? Blah. Blah. Blah. I found myself in a place where I knew without a doubt that she wasn't the right therapist for me and that I didn't belong in that group...or any group. I now know group therapy isn't for me. Like I said...I'm a big believer in therapy but right now...I feel like I was caught up in...trapped by the hype. I think I let myself be blindsided and I feel upset with myself that I didn't pay closer attention. I guess I should've listened to my inner voice a long time ago....even from the very beginning. In my heart, I knew that group therapy wasn't the right thing for me. I'm disappointed that my therapist turned out to be a different person than I originally thought she was. So I'm going to listen to my inner voice. I've been thinking that voice knows the right way. And...me being me....I went to my friends for validation. And I got it. They confirmed what my inner voice is saying and now I feel secure in my decision. I need to move away from the pressure and pushiness. I need to find another therapist...down the road....one who feels "right." For now...I'm taking a break. I need to do that. For myself. Yeah...I still believe that therapy is a good place to work through personal issues. I'm not giving up on that. I just need to look out for myself and remember that it's okay to do that.

The Economy.........

"Money often costs too much." (Ralph Waldo Emerson). Ain't that the truth. In my 47 years, I've never been so afraid of money as I am now. The American economy is falling apart. We're on a high speed train headed for a very hard brick wall and we are definitely going to crash. What are we supposed to do to stop the train wreck? How do we prevent the accident from happening? I'm no mathematical genius. I can pay the bills and balance the checkbook. That's about it. I can't study stocks and mutual funds. That's a foreign language to me. I have no earthly idea about investing and so on. Perhaps that makes me naive and/or stupid. I just don't have a financial talent. I've always believed....or taken for granted....that our government officials would have a clue as to what's involved. Wouldn't it seem that those in the financial world would see the brick wall and they'd do something to put on the brakes? Apparently not. Here we are. Banks are failing. Gas costs too damn much. I saw an Exxon sign listing the price of gas at $3.79 a gallon. Now that sounds cheap as compared to other cities...like Atlanta. The gas companies are so selfish. You'd think...when the chips are down...companies would try to help. But they don't. I saw on CNN this morning that car sales are down 30%. That's huge. Consumer spending is way down. What a surprise. Food costs are skyrocketing. Utility costs are increasing. What are we supposed to do? What is the average Joe American supposed to do to survive? The other day, Wall Street saw a drop of 778 points. Analysts said that was the equivalent of $1.2 trillion dollars. Hello? Mr. President? Congress? Anyone? We need help. Big time. And will the $700 million bail out really, really help? Will it make a difference? Will it help all of us? I'm not so sure. All I know is...I'm terrified. My anxiety level is off the charts. America is supposed to be so strong...such a prosperous nation. I'm questioning that now. I wonder...and as I said...I'm no mathematical genius...but I wonder...if we stopped spending millions in foreign aid...would that help our economy? I don't know. Wouldn't it seem logical to keep that money at home? Or does that make us totally selfish? Shouldn't we look out for #1? Shouldn't we be concentrating on our own problems and finding solutions to fix them? I'm just asking. I'm just wondering.

I want things to be better for us all. I want to feel safe and in control. I want the American people to be reassured that our government is actually doing something to fix the problems. Don't give us hype. Don't lie to us. Don't skirt around the issues...thinking they'll go away. Cuz they won't. We need competent leaders. We need a real solution. I'm tired of worrying...of being scared that we're headed for a depression.

I'd like to get out of my seat on that train. I'd make my way to the engine room and I'd grab the brake line and pull. I'd push the buttons and I'd make that runaway train come to a screeching halt. Then, I'd open the doors and escort the American people safely off that damn train. Someone has to do it. Put on the brakes and keep us from barreling into the brick wall. Just do it. Do it now and save us all from the crash.

Eye Candy!!!!!

Eye Candy!!!

Yummy!!!

Be where you are

otherwise you will miss

your life.

Buddha

To vote or not to vote - That is the question

I've always considered voting to be a true American privilege. And it is. It really is. I remember when I was old enough to vote in my 1st presidential election (Jimmy Carter & Ronald Reagan). I was elated! I'd be exercising my right as an American citizen. I'd be casting my vote, speaking my voice. I felt so patriotic. That was 29 years ago. (29?!) In recent years, I've lost my profound desire to put my vote out there. I feel like so many politicians are corrupt. It feels as if they could care less about the people who put them in office. Every time I turn on the news, both national and local...everytime I read the paper...I learn of so much corruption. It seems like many elected officials lean towards dishonesty. Why? Would our founding fathers be happy about how our government has evolved? I doubt it. I wonder how many honest, trustworthy elected officials exist in our country. I really do. Our city government is a far cry from truth and honesty. The city politicans are out for themselves...local voters be damned. They're going to do what they want to do no matter what. They aren't representing us. They're looking out for #1. I feel confused and angry. Over the years, it doesn't seem to make a difference. The candidates typically put on a good face. They say they have the solutions for the problems in our country. They have a plan. They know what's best for America (or our cities). In our last mayoral election, I didn't even vote. I know. UnAmerican. I just knew...without a shadow of a doubt... that my vote would not count for anything. The local citizens keep re-electing the same man - a man who has a track record of looking out for himself...everyone else be damned. It doesn't matter what the people want. It doesn't matter if we feel negatively about a proposal. Local opinion is pushed aside so that the mayor and council members can do exactly what they want. Period. Now how am I supposed to believe that my opinion counts? How does my vote figure into this selfish calculation? It doesn't. So why bother? With our 2008 presidential election, I have to admit that I, personally, am not "in love" with either candidate. I'm not on a band wagon cheering at the top of my lungs for either man. I don't really know what their detailed plans are for the country. I watched the presidential debate from Oxford, MS hoping to get specifics on each candidate's plan. All I heard was McCain and Obama talking in circles...for the most part. They were both poised and well-spoken. They just never answered, specifically, the questions. I can't even begin to imagine what being the president of the United States must be like. It terrifies me...the responsibility. What I do know is...I'm tired of what we've been dealing with. I voted for Bush both times. I thought he was the right choice and feel like his first 4 years were pretty decent. The 2nd term? Not so much. We're stuck in a rut. We're dealing with so many problems. The President and other elected officials haven't made much of a difference. It's like we're on a sinking ship. We should be bailing, bailing, bailing so we don't sink to the bottom, but our efforts aren't getting us anywhere. It's as if our pails have holes in them. We're trying to bail and stay afloat but with those holes in the buckets...forget it. We'll slowly go down. Will the new president really be able to fix the holes? Will he really be able to restore balance and safety? I don't know. I just don't know. Do I vote for the older, more "experienced" man? Do I take a chance on youth, inexperience? Do I vote for the same old Republican way? Or do I give the Democratic way a chance? Do I vote for one candidate to hopefully protect a woman's right to choose? Do I vote for the candidate who will work with the FAA to make the air traffic control system better...more fair? Do I vote for the candidate who protects the right to bear arms? Will either candidate really change foreign policy? Health care? The country's financial problems? Is it even possible to change? To make things better? To make things fair? Will either candidate really, really, really listen to the American people? I'm tired of the rhetoric. I'm tired of the same policies....that don't make a difference. At all. I think it's safe to say I'm jaded. I'm skeptical. I'm afraid. I'm uncertain. I'm angry. I'm sad. I want to know - WITHOUT A DOUBT - that something good will come out of this election. I want to know that positive changes will occur. I want to know that the new president will step out there and be 100% honest. That he means what he says and he'll follow through with it. Is that too much to ask? To expect? So I find myself in this place - for the moment - where I'm asking myself...do I vote? Do I not vote? Will my voice make a difference at all? Can I put my vote out there knowing that something good will come of it? Right now...this minute...I don't feel confident in that at all. I'll have to watch the remaining debates and gather even more information. Hopefully, I can find something in all of the talk to give me hope for our country...for our future. To vote or not to vote. That is the question.

Knitting - NOT!

Here's a big revelation....I cannot knit! Nope. Not at all. I bought 2 sets of knitting needles and 2 different colors of yarn...one for me and one for S. Didn't know I was supposed to roll the yarn into balls. If I'd known...I would've done that before going to the school knitting party. That would've saved some time. Had to spend a lot of time getting those balls of yarn done. Roll into a ball...roll into a ball...roll, roll, roll. Finally! We're ready to learn how to knit. Uh huh. The teacher does the "casting on." What the heck? She gets us started and then it's up to us. Managed that... at least I did. S. was more interested in getting a snack. :::rolling my eyes::: But he comes back and is interested in learning so we get the teacher to show us the next step. Knitting. I watch closely...I'm a visual learner...and I think I've got it. The teacher watches me and says I'm doing well. Naturally, we spent so much time making the yarn balls that we've run out of time to knit. I grab the directions and tell S. we'll do it when we get home. Ha! We sit down and I can't do it right. Can't get the stitches done. I even go to and from the computer getting directions and I still can't get it. S. and I are both extremely frustrated and we almost throw the balls of yarn AND the needles into the trash. Argh! We didn't but I've put them to the side. I've never thought about learning to knit and now I know why! I think I'll stick to scrapbooking, cardmaking and writing. lol Maybe after the frustration lessens, I'll try again. I ain't holding my breath, tho. Knit one, purl two, my butt! lol

Knitting

Knitting. I'm going to attempt to knit today. I've never knitted before, but I have the yarn and the needles. S.'s school is having a craft project party this afternoon, and we'll be knitting. I've sewn, embroidered, and cross-stitched, but I've never knitted. This should be a very interesting afternoon. (g) I'm a very creative person, so I'm hoping that I'll catch on quickly. Scrapbooking, card making, and writing are my creative loves at the moment. I can easily sit down to write. I can lose myself in the book I'm writing. I can get caught up in the story and my characters' lives. It's easy to express myself through my poetry and my journal entries. And I can take photos and come up with a wonderful page that records the precious memories of my life and everything and everyone in it. I've reached the point where I no longer buy greeting cards. I much prefer making my own. They're more personal. More beautiful and from my heart. I'm definitely comfortable with these methods of expression. Knitting? Not so much. (grin) But I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone and try. I'm interested in knowing what I'll actually create. Will it be a keeper or not? We'll see. To knit or not to knit. That is the question. (grin)

On getting your boobs smashed

Definition of breast cancer: Cancer that forms in tissues of the breast, usually the ducts (tubes that carry milk to the nipple) and lobules (glands that make milk). It occurs in both men and women, although male breast cancer is rare.

Estimated new cases and deaths from breast cancer in the U.S. in 2008:

New cases: 182,460 (female); 1,990 (male)
Deaths: 40,480 (female); 450 (male)

I had my annual mammogram today. My appointment was for 9:45am and I just got home. It's 2:10pm. It was a diagnostic mammogram which means it's much more indepth. Two years ago, I did my annual mammogram...just the basic one. They called and told me my breasts were too fibrous and I needed to go do an ultrasound. Nothing like being told you need an ultrasound to increase the anxiety level. Breast cancer doesn't run in my family, so I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I did the ultrasound and sat in that dimly lit room waiting for the doctor to come talk with me. The whole time I'm thinking...don't let me have cancer...don't let me have cancer. I was scared out of my mind. When the doctor finally came in, I could sense that something was found. She told me I had two papilloma's in my right breast. I was stunned. What the heck is a papilloma? A papilloma is a benign tumor. Okay, so I had a "tumor" or two in my right breast. I didn't know that they were benign. She told me so, but I didn't hear it. I was sitting there thinking....oh my God....I have tumors in my breast. The doctor reassured me and told me I needed to contact my ob/gyn for a breast surgeon referral. Okay. Thank God, everything turned out well. The breast surgeon was wonderful. He was kind and reassuring. I had surgery to remove the papilloma's and they really were benign. But now, I'm at an increased risk for breast cancer. Me. With no family history of breast cancer. So I did my annual diagnostic mammogram this morning and it took forever. It always does. They called me back and "smashed" my boobs. Yeah. It's not comfy at all but it's worth it. Then I waited an eternity and was told I needed to have an ultrasound. Here we go again. As you can imagine, my anxiety level went over the top. The ultrasound tech leaves with the films to go get the doctor to read them. I'm waiting. I'm praying. She comes back saying I needed to do another mammogram. They need another picture of the lymph node in my right breast. Now I'm really scared. The tech does another ultrasound on my right breast and finds the lymph node. She gets a piece of tape - yeah...like scotch tape - and puts it on the spot and draws a little dot there. Back to the waiting room. More time to think. Not fun. Go get my boobs smashed a 2nd time. Ouch. Back to the waiting room. Waiting. Waiting. Wondering. What if....what if. Finally, a nurse calls me and I go into the hall with her. I'm terrified...thinking we're headed for another room so the doctor can come talk with me, but she says everything looks good and they'll see me next year. Color me relieved. But I'm also upset. Isn't that strange. I guess it's the emotion bottled up. The fear and what if's. My throat feels tight and my eyes are burning with unshed tears. I was caught in what felt like suspended time....waiting for bad news. It happened once before. It could happen again. Thankfully, it didn't. Thankfully.

PLEASE get an annual mammogram. DON'T hesitate. DON'T think..."Oh it won't happen to me." Cuz it just might. It's important. It matters. It's better to be safe. Hear me??? Just do it. Take care of yourself. Stay healthy. Hear me???

How do you explain things to a 6 year old?

So last night....I'm putting my son to bed. I always sit with him for a bit while he relaxes and drifts off. I have no idea where his thoughts come from. I don't like to think that his innocent, little brain is thinking about such serious things. He started talking about death and war and bad guys and such. He asked me why God allows such things. I didn't really know what to say or how to explain it. How do you make sense of it? I don't even know why. Is God trying to teach us something? Are we supposed to learn and grow from the bad things in life? S. told me that when he gets to Heaven, the first thing he's going to ask God is why he lets wars happen, why bad guys exist. I told him that would be a good thing to ask God...that God would explain anything and everything. I've always heard that you're not supposed to question God or His plans. Still...how do you come to terms with the hatred and fighting? I honestly don't know. In my heart, I want world peace. I know that sounds like some beauty pageant statement, but it's true. I don't understand why we all can't get along. Why can't we love each other? Why can't we respect and embrace our differences? That's what I believe God would want. I told S. that I prayed for world peace. That the bad stuff in the world didn't make sense to me and I couldn't really explain it to him. He's 6 years old and these things are in his thoughts, for pete's sake. When I was 6, from what I can remember, I didn't think of such "heavy" things. I remember how life seemed so much easier, so simple and carefree. Of course, I was a child. I didn't see the world through adult eyes. When I was young, it was safe to play outside with your friends. It was safe to ride your bike through the neighborhood. You didn't have to worry that some stranger would kidnap you and hurt you. I sound just like my parents. Their memories of..."I remember when I was young. We'd take the trolley downtown and see a movie for a nickel." I used to think...yeah...right. You obviously lived a zillion years ago. But here I am...doing the same thing. "I remember when...." It just hurts my heart that I have to try to explain such negative things to my son. I have to somehow explain the evils in the world. I have to help him make sense of these things. And it's difficult. I have a hard time with it myself. I wish life was simple. I wish we didn't have to worry about the danger in the world. I really wish we could all get along and live together in peace. Maybe that sounds hokey but I believe that's what God would want. It's what I want. I wish.

My favorite read............

Ahhhh....romance novels. LOVE'em! READ'em. DEVOUR'em. Delish!

"a fiction genre in which love conquers all, bosoms heave, and cowboys are the best things since sliced bread..."

Need I say more?

Drive by Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around. But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found. So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. Yeh. Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive? Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Muse Visits

Muse Visits

by Helen Heavirland

Muse slipped in the door.

"I have a wonderful idea!" she whispered.

She zipped down the halls,

Turned right through my office door.

"Wonderful idea," I pondered,

"Must make a note."

I finished my chore,

Headed for the typewriter

And tripped over routine.

He screamed at the insult

Of being scattered about.

"I have a wonderful idea!" Muse hollered.

Seemed to take forever

To pick up routine's pieces

And pile them in some semblance of order.

I skirted the stack,

Tiptoed to typewriter.

Muse had slipped away.

A wadded tissue lay by the typewriter,

Damp, as though she had wiped tears.

There's A Hole In My Sidewalk

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
By Portia Nelson



I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.
I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.
It’s a habit.
But my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Sunset on Block Island. Beautiful. It's one of those pictures that pulls at my memories and reminds me just how lovely a sunset can be.

Block Island is a place that's near and dear to my heart. I'm able to let go. I can relax. I can find peace.

I love it there.

Dealing with life storms....

Summer Storm
by MTC

Civilization roared around her like thunder in a summer storm.
Standing in the center of the explosion,
she felt her blues trickling down
like wet rain splashing loudly on her soul.
She wrapped herself up within herself.
Feeling the achingly familiar desire,
she tried to wipe away the storm,
but it blew across her anyway.

I wrote this poem...when?...I can't remember. But it's a pretty good description of how life blows across me. So many things happen and there are times when I can't move. I'm stuck in the middle of it all and I just stand there and get soaked. Drenched with emotions. With frustration. With uncertainty. And I know I can't go around the storm. I have to go through it. That's just the way it is. I have to find the strength to hang in there and endure. I keep thinking...isn't life supposed to be easy. But I keep hearing...."nothing is easy." And that's true. Logically, I understand that. Mentally, emotionally...it doesn't make sense. When I was younger, I had all of these dreams. I didn't see so many things coming. I was taken by surprise. Who knew that I'd find out that I'm bipolar? Never saw it coming. I didn't know that happily ever after really is a thing found in books....that real life and relationships take lots and lots of work. Chalk it up to me being the naive, romantic that I am. I've struggled with my moods. With the depression and manic behavior and I hate riding that rollercoaster. I'd like to be on an even keel. All the time. Every day. But I have to take meds to keep me in check. I've done the manic thing and have made so many mistakes, it eats me up inside. I never thought I could be that manic person I was. And I refuse to ever be her again. Never again. But I tend to lean towards the depressive side of the disorder. I honestly don't know where I'd be without my meds. I've been in that deep, dark pit on many occasions and I hate it there. I want to be in the light. Not in the dark. I'm working on it...on being strong...on surviving the storm. I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I'm not giving up. And that's easy to do. I have times when I could easily stay in bed. I could pull the covers up over my head and just stay there. It seems easier. It feels safe. I always withdraw. I pull into myself and hide. It seems like so many people don't "get" manic depression. My family says they do, but I don't think they really get it. If you don't have a mood disorder...you just really don't understand. Not completely. It's such a foreign thing. Heck, I've struggled with accepting it and understanding it. It's taken me 13 years to reach this point and I know I'm a long way from being where I should be...where I want to be. But as I've said, I'm not giving up. I'm working towards a better me and I know I'll get there eventually. I may be knocking on Heaven's door when I finally reach that place of understanding, but I WILL get it. lol I just have a tough time standing in the middle of the chaos that's my life and feeling helpless. I can't do "out of control." I'm frozen by that. It's so out of control that all I can do is stand there. I don't know which way to turn or where to start. Crazy. I know. But that's how it feels. But I have to think that I'm not doing SO bad. I mean...I'm still here. I haven't given up. I'm still fighting and kicking and searching for the right path. It's a never-ending journey and I'm willing to keep going. I'm willing to explore and examine and find my place in this world, in my life. I can hang in there for that. I can hold on. And I know I'm not alone. I have my family and my friends. As dysfunctional as we all are...we have each other. (grin)

So I have to say that I'm truly blessed. And that's good.

Guess I'm just going to have to stand there...in the middle of the storm...letting it rain down on me. It's okay to get wet. It's okay to feel the wind whipping around me. It's ferocious and it can be scary as hell but I'm holding on with everything I have. Everything I am.

Be strong. Have faith. Endure.

The 1st Post

So I'm following my friend, Sabrina's lead. I'm starting a blog. A place where I can think, dream, write, just express myself. I've always loved writing...journaling, so this seems like a good idea. I should be journaling by hand...something I used to do with a cartridge pen and a diary. Now, I find it easier to do it on the computer. I still write by hand. I have my journal with the lined pages. I love doing that. Doing it on the computer lets me get my thoughts out faster. The spelling may not be perfect but I try.

There's a lot going on in my life right now. It's always drama city, but isn't life like that? I'm struggling to maintain, to be strong and hang in there. Some days, I do really well. Other days, I have the hardest time just pulling myself out of bed. But I do. I throw the covers back and I get up. Today was a tough day. I had to keep myself moving forward. I wanted to curl up in bed where I'd feel warm and I could snooze. I felt weepy. I wish my moods didn't swing like they do, but it comes with the bipolar territory. So often, I wish I felt "normal" but that's just not possible. Is anyone really "normal?" Wouldn't we all be dull and boring if we were normal? Still...that term seems to "mean" something in my mind. Like I'm not normal right now. Like I need to change something in myself so I'll be a regular person. ???? What the hell? I'll never get past that...feeling like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. KWIM?

Anyway...this is my 1st post. My 1st step into an unknown place for me. Blogging. It's so 21st century. lol I'll see how I do. If I can actually keep up with this. I'd like to. I'd like to do something different to keep myself out there. Outside of myself. Instead of hiding inside. Maybe this will be a new, open door for me. We'll see.