It's 2009!

Okay. So it's a new year. 2009. It's a clean slate....a fresh start. It's full of possibilities. Last year was a rollercoaster ride. It was a bit overwhelming with the up's and down's. I'm open to a better year. One that's not a crazy ride. I don't think I've made any resolutions. You know how that goes. You make a resolution and then you seem to break it. You don't follow through. I'm thinking of 2009 as a chance for me to work towards goals. I'm not going to beat myself up over setbacks. I'm going to slowly work on moving forward and reaching the place I yearn to be. I have to do it in small steps so it won't feel so overwhelming. That works best for me. One small step at a time. I can do that. Yep.

I had such a tough time with the holidays. I used to love everything about Christmas. I always felt like a kid...even when I was in my 20's. Somewhere along the line, I switched from being that kid to feeling blue and not wanting to decorate, etc. Don't know if it's related to my mood disorder or not. I just don't know. Now that S. is in our life, we need to decorate and make it kid-like....and I want that for him. I want to see his face and recapture that joy. There's something about seeing a child's excitement during the holidays. Still....I didn't want to decorate. I struggled with it, but did it for S. With the economy being what it is....we just weren't able to buy gifts and spoil family and friends....and I had a hard time with it. I felt guilty and very sad. We couldn't do a lot for S. (sigh) My family agreed to make it about the kids. We agreed that the grown up's wouldn't exchange gifts. Imagine our surprise and guilt on Christmas morning when my family had gifts for me and D. He and I were so very embarrassed. I ended up in tears. The kids were thrilled but D. and I were both sad and felt guilty as hell. We'd agreed to make it about the kids and my family didn't do what they said they'd do. Now don't get me wrong. We appreciated what they did and the gifts they gave us. We're very thankful and they're extremely generous. I wish, tho, that they'd done what we agreed. (sigh) I'm just happy that we're into the new year....that the holidays are done. And I hope that when we roll around to Christmas 2009, I'll be in a much better place emotionally...that we'll be in a better place financially so we can give gifts and spoil our family and friends.

So it's 2009. We made it through 2008 and now have a brand new year to enjoy. We have a chance to move forward...to make changes....to embrace the possibilities. Maybe it's about having a mindset. You know...the think, there for I am? Maybe our mantra could be it's a new year, a clean slate therefore anything is possible. (g) Maybe throwing off the gloomy attitude will be the best thing I can do. I'll try on a new one and see how it fits. I'm sure there will be times when I fall and struggle but I pray that I'll quickly pull myself up. I know I have it in me. I know I can do it. I can.

Here's a toast to 2009. A new year....a fresh start. It's a brand new day. Embrace it.