Jumping for joy

It's that time again.....

Monday is the 1st day of the 2010 school year. I'm excited, and so is S. He told me he can't wait to see his friends. I went to orientation last night. There have been some changes at his school. The enrollment is down because of the economy. Some of the teachers are gone. The portable building is gone. S.'s class had 25 kids last year. This year, there are 15. Big drop. There 12 in the other room. At the parent/teacher conference in May, S.'s head teacher told us she was retiring. I was so upset. She'd taught S. for 2 years, and I felt like the rug had been yanked from under us. She was familiar with S. and his problems...the ADHD...the auditory processing disorder....the possible bipolar issues. I didn't know what would happen. Well...it's that "when God closes a door, He opens a window" type of a thing. The school had sent out a letter telling us who would be taking Mrs. D.'s place....the second teacher from the other elementary class. I knew of her, but didn't know details. I asked some of my mom friends and they all told me she was awesome. Okay. Last night, after she'd finished her talk, I pulled her aside and told her I wanted to talk about S. I went over the list of issues and let her know that S. isn't taking meds at the moment. She grabbed my hand and told me that her oldest son, who also attends this school, has the SAME problems that S. has!!!!! She told me she understood 100% of what I was saying and that she wasn't worried. She told me we'd work together and make this a great year for S.!!! I almost burst into tears when she told me about her son. Who better to understand than someone who deals with it on a daily basis????? I feel SO hopeful now. I was starting to feel worried and stressed, but now I feel relieved. I'm thinking things may be better this year. I keep thinking about what she talked about in her presentation...some of the things they're going to try and I know they'll be good for S. I know he'll love them and feel positive and encouraged. And she's so positive. That makes for a good atmosphere. So...yeah...I'm excited that S. is returning to school. It'll be nice to have some quiet days where I can actually get some things accomplished. I can't believe my baby is starting the 3rd grade, though. Where does the time go? It's speeding by and that is a bit scary. It's hard to wrap my mind around how quickly he's growing up. (sigh) I'm super excited for him. I think this will be a fantastic year for S. My gut feels good about Ms. H. and her way of doing things. I feel like S.'s self-esteem is going to soar. I feel like he's going to grow in so many ways and I'm tickled. And it feels good to feel this way.

this is a journaling post - not an over the rainbow one either

So how in the hell am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to live the remainder of my life like this? How do you live with someone who seems to hate you? How? Does anyone know? How do I live with myself knowing that he seems to hate me? I feel so lost. And alone. I'm pulling back. Not saying anything. Don't say anything if you can't say anything nice. Isn't that the saying? I think it is. And I don't have anything nice to say. He says I've taken everything away from him. The only thing I haven't taken is S. Am I that awful? Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that selfish? I want to think....to believe that I'm a nice person. I don't want to be this selfish bitch. I don't. And yet...that's exactly how I feel. I'm solely responsible for his misery. Me. I asked him if I died tomorrow....would that make him feel relieved. He said no. But I wonder. If I've ruined his life and taken everything from him....then wouldn't it make sense that if he didn't see me every day.... that it would be better? I haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel like I'm the worst everything. Worst daughter. Worst sister. Worst mother. Worst wife. Worst friend. You name it. And I don't know how to rise above it. I told D. I wanted to start writing again....to return to my novel...that I wanted to complete it and he just snorted and rolled his eyes. WTF? I feel so tired. Nothing tastes good. Nothing seems fun. And you know what's hilarious???? I love him. lol I'm a dolt. A romantic fool....believing that things will be okay...that down the road...things will get better. If he really and truly hates me....how will time help? It won't....will it? Isn't it ironic? I want the happily ever after and it's actually FUBAR! (shaking my head) I don't know what I'll do. Honestly don't. I'm not feeling a lot of personal strength right now. Wish I was wonder woman or something. Wish I could just soar into the sky and rise above it all. But even super heroes have their woes. Right? (sigh) Yeah. Right.