Today's topic is regret. Like having them. Lots of them. And it sucks. I hate it. It makes me feel so out of control....in a sense. There are things that I've done and they're already done....in the past and I can't do anything to change them and there you are. Like this surgery I just had. Did I really need a septoplasty? I've been going through life not even aware that my septum was deviated. I didn't know. So I went to the ENT for an ear infection and all of a sudden all sorts of things are off kilter. My ears. My hearing. Allergies. Deviated septum. Who knew? I mean... I don't think this dr. is a hack or anything. My father sees her and loves her. So does D. And she has an excellent reputation. I truly believe she knows what she's talking about....what she's doing. I just wonder if I should've waited on having the surgery. I thought it would be an outpatient procedure but because of my mild sleep apnea....I ended up having to spend the night in the hospital. Not what I'd expected. At all. I was already feeling guilty because of the cost of the procedure. D. keeps telling me that's why we have insurance but I can't stop myself from feeling guilty. It's there. And it won't go away. Especially since I received the statement from the hospital. I know it's just the first thing cuz insurance still has to look at it and make the adjustments, etc. But I burst into tears when I saw the bill. It was $17,000+. For one night in the hospital and all that goes with it. My guilt tripled. I've been telling myself I was stupid and selfish to do the damn surgery. But it's done and I can't go back. I wish I could but I can't. And all of these other regrets are steamrolling my heart. Why did I do this? Why did I do that? I want to change those decisions but I can't. They are frozen in the past. Done. And it kills me. This hindsight. This knowing that I could've done better. I could've been smarter. I could've been less selfish. I could've. (heavy sigh) But there's not a damn thing I can do. Not now. And it hurts my heart. I feel guilty and embarrassed. And it sucks. Regret just sucks. Why didn't I say the right thing? Why didn't I do the right thing? Why? Why? Why? I have to find a way to forgive myself. And that's the tough part. Trying to find the way to that place. I mean....not being able to undo what's already been done....how do I forgive those things? I wish there was a reset button. Then I could make the changes I wish I could make. Then...perhaps...I'd feel like a better person. I'd feel less guilty. Cuz guilt sucks. Regret sucks. Don't know what else to say. There it is. Something I have to deal with. Something I have to come to terms with. Not sure I'll ever get past it but I'll try to move forward. Life is always a struggle. There's always a mountain to climb. Right? I'm just standing at the base....gazing upwards....at the top. Maybe....one day....I'll climb that high and things will look better from up there. We'll see.
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