Three Songs I Never Get Sick of

• (plinky post for today)

• Only 3 songs???!!! Really, really tough for me! I love music and there are lots of songs I love. These are just 3 of my favs.

  
  

  

  Carolina On My Mind by James Taylor

  

  Crystal Ball by Styx

  

  I'll Still Be Loving You by Restless Heart

Jumping for joy

It's that time again.....

Monday is the 1st day of the 2010 school year. I'm excited, and so is S. He told me he can't wait to see his friends. I went to orientation last night. There have been some changes at his school. The enrollment is down because of the economy. Some of the teachers are gone. The portable building is gone. S.'s class had 25 kids last year. This year, there are 15. Big drop. There 12 in the other room. At the parent/teacher conference in May, S.'s head teacher told us she was retiring. I was so upset. She'd taught S. for 2 years, and I felt like the rug had been yanked from under us. She was familiar with S. and his problems...the ADHD...the auditory processing disorder....the possible bipolar issues. I didn't know what would happen. Well...it's that "when God closes a door, He opens a window" type of a thing. The school had sent out a letter telling us who would be taking Mrs. D.'s place....the second teacher from the other elementary class. I knew of her, but didn't know details. I asked some of my mom friends and they all told me she was awesome. Okay. Last night, after she'd finished her talk, I pulled her aside and told her I wanted to talk about S. I went over the list of issues and let her know that S. isn't taking meds at the moment. She grabbed my hand and told me that her oldest son, who also attends this school, has the SAME problems that S. has!!!!! She told me she understood 100% of what I was saying and that she wasn't worried. She told me we'd work together and make this a great year for S.!!! I almost burst into tears when she told me about her son. Who better to understand than someone who deals with it on a daily basis????? I feel SO hopeful now. I was starting to feel worried and stressed, but now I feel relieved. I'm thinking things may be better this year. I keep thinking about what she talked about in her presentation...some of the things they're going to try and I know they'll be good for S. I know he'll love them and feel positive and encouraged. And she's so positive. That makes for a good atmosphere. So...yeah...I'm excited that S. is returning to school. It'll be nice to have some quiet days where I can actually get some things accomplished. I can't believe my baby is starting the 3rd grade, though. Where does the time go? It's speeding by and that is a bit scary. It's hard to wrap my mind around how quickly he's growing up. (sigh) I'm super excited for him. I think this will be a fantastic year for S. My gut feels good about Ms. H. and her way of doing things. I feel like S.'s self-esteem is going to soar. I feel like he's going to grow in so many ways and I'm tickled. And it feels good to feel this way.

this is a journaling post - not an over the rainbow one either

So how in the hell am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to live the remainder of my life like this? How do you live with someone who seems to hate you? How? Does anyone know? How do I live with myself knowing that he seems to hate me? I feel so lost. And alone. I'm pulling back. Not saying anything. Don't say anything if you can't say anything nice. Isn't that the saying? I think it is. And I don't have anything nice to say. He says I've taken everything away from him. The only thing I haven't taken is S. Am I that awful? Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that selfish? I want to think....to believe that I'm a nice person. I don't want to be this selfish bitch. I don't. And yet...that's exactly how I feel. I'm solely responsible for his misery. Me. I asked him if I died tomorrow....would that make him feel relieved. He said no. But I wonder. If I've ruined his life and taken everything from him....then wouldn't it make sense that if he didn't see me every day.... that it would be better? I haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel like I'm the worst everything. Worst daughter. Worst sister. Worst mother. Worst wife. Worst friend. You name it. And I don't know how to rise above it. I told D. I wanted to start writing again....to return to my novel...that I wanted to complete it and he just snorted and rolled his eyes. WTF? I feel so tired. Nothing tastes good. Nothing seems fun. And you know what's hilarious???? I love him. lol I'm a dolt. A romantic fool....believing that things will be okay...that down the road...things will get better. If he really and truly hates me....how will time help? It won't....will it? Isn't it ironic? I want the happily ever after and it's actually FUBAR! (shaking my head) I don't know what I'll do. Honestly don't. I'm not feeling a lot of personal strength right now. Wish I was wonder woman or something. Wish I could just soar into the sky and rise above it all. But even super heroes have their woes. Right? (sigh) Yeah. Right.

I think this is hilarious!

Oh My, This Is Awkward.....

Oh My, This Is Awkward


No. Not again, M. thought. She'd lived through this experience with her roommate last year. She'd watched L. endure the hatred and comments after doing the right thing. Now here she was again, only this time, she would be the one turning in a cheater. It was one of the neat things about the college - the honor system. And M. prided herself on being honest. She didn't believe in cheating. So why did others think it was an okay thing to do? College tuition wasn't cheap? Why waste the money? Why waste the teacher's time? Why take advantage of everything and everyone? It wasn't fair, but it was sad. The girl cheating was exceptionally bright, and didn't need to cheat. But she did it anyway.

After some time had passed, M. watched her classmate leave the room, and she knew what would happen. The girl would go to the restroom, and consult the notes she'd so carefully hidden there. When the girl returned, M. got up and headed for the restroom. She knew just where to look. Sure enough, there, in the trash can, was her classmate's notebook. M. looked in the mirror, and gazed at her reflection, seeing the sadness. She sighed, swallowed her unease, and went back to let the teacher know about the girl's notebook and the cheating. M. already knew what to expect. She knew the cheater and her circle of friends would glare and say mean things to and about her. It wasn't something she wanted. She wanted to be liked, to have lots of friends. M. didn't want to hurt anyone. No. She needed to follow her beliefs, though. She needed to stand up and do what was right, and if that meant enduring the negativity from her classmate, then so be it. She'd survive. M. always did. She'd done the right and honorable thing and that was what mattered.

The Scariest Moment Came When.....

They'd gone to see a movie, she and her son. After the film credits had finished, she gathered the popcorn and coke empties, and headed down the stairs to the exit. As with any active 6 year old boy, she watched him rush ahead of her. She hurried to keep up with him, tossing the snack remnants in the trash can. As she entered the hallway, she looked left and right, but couldn't see her son. She ran into the lobby, but didn't see him. She went back to the theatre only he wasn't there. She stepped inside the men's restroom to no avail. Feeling an overwhelming sense of panic, tears burned her eyes. She went back to the theatre, hoping he might be there, but no. Coming back to the lobby, she happened to glance in a gameroom, and there he was, staring longingly at the different video games. Rage, and fear exploded. She rushed in, scooped him up and held tight. Sobs escaped. There was no way she could keep them inside. The fear of having lost him was too much. Finding him and holding him was the only thing that mattered in that moment. The only thing. When he said, "Mommy, what's wrong," she tried her best to explain. He quietly watched her, his expression solemn. He said, "I'm sorry, Mommy." And more tears fell. He took her hand and they went outside to their car and headed for home.

The Most Confusing Part of Life Is...


There are many things in life that confuse me. One of the biggies is: why can't we all just get along? I don't understand the hatred that exists out there in the world. Color me wishful and naive. I can't understand hating someone because they look different or believe different things. We should embrace the differences. We should dive into the cultural and spiritual variety. It would be so exciting and wonderful to live in a world of open-mindedness. We could learn from one another. We could live side by side in a happy, peaceful world. It's a dream I have....and I am a dreamer. I turn to my spiritual self and pray often for world peace. It may not happen in my lifetime, but I can hope and pray that my eight year old son will see it in his. Maybe one day.....

The blues....

I've been thinking about the blues lately. There's that song that says everybody gets the blues sometime. It's only natural. It's a part of life. I know...for me...I'd rather be all upbeat and lively. Who likes feeling blah? I mean....seriously? I think we just have to accept that life is a rollercoaster ride with those highs and lows. It's inevitable that we're going to get the blues from time to time. I wish there was some way to go around them. Wish I had a pill or a secret ingredient to get rid of them. Getting the blues, for me, can be really, really tough...being bipolar and all. But when I know one of my friends is blue....well....it's hard for me. I want to fix it. I want to shine the light and wrap them up in warm sunshine. I want to soak up those blues and bring a smile to their face. It would be so wonderful to be able to do that. The thing is....we have to sit and be still. We have to let the blues wash over us and flow away. I guess...if you think about it... it's a cleansing experience of sorts. You finally just stop. You don't have the energy to do what you really want to do. You have to let go and allow yourself to just "be." And by doing that, you recharge. It's a necessary thing. And I always try to fight it. I don't want to feel blue. I want to be perky and chipper and ready to go. I have to remind myself that it's okay to let go and just "be." We all have to recognize that we need downtime. We have to embrace it and take the time to pamper ourselves. We're worth it. We need it. We deserve it.

"Your sacred space is where you can find yourself again, and again."

Joseph Campbell

Awesome Book!!!!

I'm a huge Sookie Stackhouse fan!!! This is the latest book in the series!!! Awesome! Loved it! Now I have to wait a year for the next one. Bummer.

Friends

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."

"If you're alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me."

So I'm thinking about friendship. One of my friends has been hurt by a so-called friend and I've been thinking about it. A lot. I have a small circle of friends. Those friends are people I respect and trust. They make me smile. They comfort me. They understand. They don't judge. They're happy for me. They cry with me. They cheer me on. That's what friends do. A friend is someone who's there no matter what. I know we're all human beings and we're not perfect. We make mistakes. That's life. So we slip up. But...even with the imperfections...we're still there for one another. I feel feel excited when my friends pursue their dreams. I leap for joy when they take the chance and reach and try. When my friends feel sad or lost...my heart hurts for them. I want to buy a ticket on the fast train so I can go to them. So I can be there. Having true friends is such a gift...such a blessing. I thank God for my friends. Every day. Every single day. I can't relate to the people who claim to be a friend yet they take advantage of you. Those who say they don't care that they hurt you. Those who say, "I'm sorry, BUT....." My goodness. If I hurt a friend, I'd be very, very upset. I don't want to ever intentionally hurt a dear friend. I can't imagine apologizing but then discarding it all with the word "but." I love my friends no matter what. I've had so called friendships in the past...the kind where you think you're in friendship heaven. You believe you've found a keeper only to discover how they've taken advantage of you...they've abused you and your trust. They've hurt you and they didn't care. And you stand there thinking....how did I let this happen? I handed my trust over and look what they did. And you hurt. So much. And you try to understand. And it's hard. But you absorb the hurt and move on. You close the door on that relationship and hope and pray you won't be so foolish and gullible the next time. I'm very fortunate to have a close circle of friends. These are ladies I can bare my soul to and they still love me. I can be "safe" with them. They see my faults and all and they don't care. God knows what He's doing. When He closes a door somewhere, He opens a window somewhere else. Thank you S., I., S., and S. for being such wonderful friends! I really am blessed. So very much.

great movie!

RENT IT.....BUY IT.....WATCH IT! AWESOME MOVIE!

Writing

I'm writing about writing because my dear friend has been riding the writing rollercoaster. The up's and down's. The...putting your heart and soul out there for people to read. What if they don't like it? What if they TELL you they don't like it? How do you survive that? Writing is such a personal thing. I write. I don't share it, tho. I'm not strong enough...or confident enough to do it. Not really. I've shared poems that I've written. But not my book. My book...that's not finished...cuz I'm scared to finish it. Cuz then I'll be at the "time to put it out there...submit it" place. That is TERRIFYING! But my friend has done it. She's submitted books and short stories. She's been published. She's waiting to hear about two manuscripts she sent out. I just sit here and think, "Wow. How cool is she? She's putting herself out there and it's a big leap and I admire the hell out of her." Of course, I've been blessed to be able to read her work. She trusts me enough to allow me to read her stories. That is such a gift. Any time a writer shares her work with you...know that you're being trusted and honored. Cuz our writing is our baby. We take our heart and put it on paper. Our characters and stories are living and breathing within us. When we "give birth" to our stories...it's an emotional journey. It can be painful and oh so rewarding. But when you've told your story and you love it and you're in love with your characters...and then you place your treasure in someone else's hands....well....that's when we wait...with our hearts in our throat...wondering...will the story take hold and whisk the reader away. Will they love it as much as we do? The mere thought of rejection colors your view. The "what if" of it all. Imagine putting your heart and soul out there and having someone tell you it's not good. No thank you. Don't like it. Hearing those words - in whatever form - professional, form letter, tossed out in a casual way...hearing them is a stab to the heart. I don't know how else to say it. There is this pain deep inside you and there's nothing you can do to stop it. How can you easily say, "Oh well. No biggie."? It really, really, really hurts. Putting your stories out there already makes you vulnerable...and now...well...now you're beyond that. You want to pull back and keep your stories to yourself. No more sharing. No more putting them out there. It's a difficult, painful place to be.

I've always like to write. Always. I've always kept diaries, and journals. Have always written poetry. Have written some short stories...a long time ago. I've been working on a novel but I keep letting life get in the way. Working on my book is downright scary. What if I can't do it? What if I can? What if people think it's awful? What if people like it? Then what? Still...I will always have the dream to write and be a published author. I would love to help people escape into a good story. If I could make one person happy...entertain them...have them love my characters as much as I do....that would be more than satisfying. It would be a dream come true. I just have to believe in myself. I need to have courage. I want to be like my friend. I want to follow in her footsteps. I want to be brave and strong like she is. She is so talented and she's not afraid to share her stories....especially with me. If I can get my own courage up...then I can let her read my work and then go from there. No matter what, tho...writing has to be something you love and want to do. If you ride the rollercoaster and have too many down's...that will take the fun and life out of it. That's not a place any writer should be. I guess...in the long run...we writers have to do the self-preservation thing. We have to look out for number one. I mean... we're talking about our hearts here. We can't keep putting our hearts out there for a stomping. We have to take care of ourselves and protect our work and our hearts. That's just the way it is. And there's nothing wrong with that. Bottom line...we're talented. We have so many stories to tell. And we'll tell them and then share them when we're ready. When we feel safe. But we'll get them out of our heads and hearts and on to the paper. Count on it.

"I've known all my life that I could take a bunch of words and throw them up in the air and they would come down just right" Truman Capote

2010

It's Spring. 2010. My last post was Fall of 2009. Where does the time go????


Survived the holidays. Survived going into a new year. Life goes on. Stuff happens. It can be frustrating, stressful, sad, happy, exciting...just all around the emotional universe. I'm hanging in there. Doing the one day at a time thing. lol S'ok.


I made a decision regarding one of the medicines I take for my manic depression. I've done a lot of soul-searching about it. Whether or not to change. To stop taking the med. I started thinking about how I'd been feeling since taking the med. I've done some research and identified with most of the side effects that people experience while taking Lamictal. I decided that I needed to stop taking the med. I want to see what I feel like when I'm "non-Lamictaled." (Made that up. lol) I've been feeling so...so...like I'm in a fog. My concentration and memory suck. (That's blunt but there it is.) I feel emotionally flat. I have zero energy. I'm dizzy and my coordination stinks. I went to see my shrink yesterday afternoon, and I told him I wanted to stop taking the Lamictal. He said, "Convince me why you should stop." We discussed the side effects and how I'd been feeling. He reviewed my file...checking the notes from my previous shrink who went to work at a local mental health facility (read: loony bin). My doc saw where I hadn't been 100% sure I wanted to take the Lamictal. We talked more and he agreed that we should see what I "look" like without the med. I came out of that meeting feeling relieved and excited. I'm hoping and praying that getting the med out of my system will bring me back to the "living" so to speak. I hope I'll come out of the fog and get away from the "flatness." I feel good about taking control and making that decision. It feels really good. :-)


I'll be weaning the med...slowly...slowly...which is exactly how I want. My last dose is in June, so we have a goal...something to look forward to. Just around my b'day (my 49th - ick), I should feel different. I'm hoping it'll be the best b'day gift I can give myself. Yea!


The countdown begins. I'll keep you posted.