Knitting - NOT!

Here's a big revelation....I cannot knit! Nope. Not at all. I bought 2 sets of knitting needles and 2 different colors of yarn...one for me and one for S. Didn't know I was supposed to roll the yarn into balls. If I'd known...I would've done that before going to the school knitting party. That would've saved some time. Had to spend a lot of time getting those balls of yarn done. Roll into a ball...roll into a ball...roll, roll, roll. Finally! We're ready to learn how to knit. Uh huh. The teacher does the "casting on." What the heck? She gets us started and then it's up to us. Managed that... at least I did. S. was more interested in getting a snack. :::rolling my eyes::: But he comes back and is interested in learning so we get the teacher to show us the next step. Knitting. I watch closely...I'm a visual learner...and I think I've got it. The teacher watches me and says I'm doing well. Naturally, we spent so much time making the yarn balls that we've run out of time to knit. I grab the directions and tell S. we'll do it when we get home. Ha! We sit down and I can't do it right. Can't get the stitches done. I even go to and from the computer getting directions and I still can't get it. S. and I are both extremely frustrated and we almost throw the balls of yarn AND the needles into the trash. Argh! We didn't but I've put them to the side. I've never thought about learning to knit and now I know why! I think I'll stick to scrapbooking, cardmaking and writing. lol Maybe after the frustration lessens, I'll try again. I ain't holding my breath, tho. Knit one, purl two, my butt! lol

Knitting

Knitting. I'm going to attempt to knit today. I've never knitted before, but I have the yarn and the needles. S.'s school is having a craft project party this afternoon, and we'll be knitting. I've sewn, embroidered, and cross-stitched, but I've never knitted. This should be a very interesting afternoon. (g) I'm a very creative person, so I'm hoping that I'll catch on quickly. Scrapbooking, card making, and writing are my creative loves at the moment. I can easily sit down to write. I can lose myself in the book I'm writing. I can get caught up in the story and my characters' lives. It's easy to express myself through my poetry and my journal entries. And I can take photos and come up with a wonderful page that records the precious memories of my life and everything and everyone in it. I've reached the point where I no longer buy greeting cards. I much prefer making my own. They're more personal. More beautiful and from my heart. I'm definitely comfortable with these methods of expression. Knitting? Not so much. (grin) But I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone and try. I'm interested in knowing what I'll actually create. Will it be a keeper or not? We'll see. To knit or not to knit. That is the question. (grin)

On getting your boobs smashed

Definition of breast cancer: Cancer that forms in tissues of the breast, usually the ducts (tubes that carry milk to the nipple) and lobules (glands that make milk). It occurs in both men and women, although male breast cancer is rare.

Estimated new cases and deaths from breast cancer in the U.S. in 2008:

New cases: 182,460 (female); 1,990 (male)
Deaths: 40,480 (female); 450 (male)

I had my annual mammogram today. My appointment was for 9:45am and I just got home. It's 2:10pm. It was a diagnostic mammogram which means it's much more indepth. Two years ago, I did my annual mammogram...just the basic one. They called and told me my breasts were too fibrous and I needed to go do an ultrasound. Nothing like being told you need an ultrasound to increase the anxiety level. Breast cancer doesn't run in my family, so I tried not to make a big deal out of it. I did the ultrasound and sat in that dimly lit room waiting for the doctor to come talk with me. The whole time I'm thinking...don't let me have cancer...don't let me have cancer. I was scared out of my mind. When the doctor finally came in, I could sense that something was found. She told me I had two papilloma's in my right breast. I was stunned. What the heck is a papilloma? A papilloma is a benign tumor. Okay, so I had a "tumor" or two in my right breast. I didn't know that they were benign. She told me so, but I didn't hear it. I was sitting there thinking....oh my God....I have tumors in my breast. The doctor reassured me and told me I needed to contact my ob/gyn for a breast surgeon referral. Okay. Thank God, everything turned out well. The breast surgeon was wonderful. He was kind and reassuring. I had surgery to remove the papilloma's and they really were benign. But now, I'm at an increased risk for breast cancer. Me. With no family history of breast cancer. So I did my annual diagnostic mammogram this morning and it took forever. It always does. They called me back and "smashed" my boobs. Yeah. It's not comfy at all but it's worth it. Then I waited an eternity and was told I needed to have an ultrasound. Here we go again. As you can imagine, my anxiety level went over the top. The ultrasound tech leaves with the films to go get the doctor to read them. I'm waiting. I'm praying. She comes back saying I needed to do another mammogram. They need another picture of the lymph node in my right breast. Now I'm really scared. The tech does another ultrasound on my right breast and finds the lymph node. She gets a piece of tape - yeah...like scotch tape - and puts it on the spot and draws a little dot there. Back to the waiting room. More time to think. Not fun. Go get my boobs smashed a 2nd time. Ouch. Back to the waiting room. Waiting. Waiting. Wondering. What if....what if. Finally, a nurse calls me and I go into the hall with her. I'm terrified...thinking we're headed for another room so the doctor can come talk with me, but she says everything looks good and they'll see me next year. Color me relieved. But I'm also upset. Isn't that strange. I guess it's the emotion bottled up. The fear and what if's. My throat feels tight and my eyes are burning with unshed tears. I was caught in what felt like suspended time....waiting for bad news. It happened once before. It could happen again. Thankfully, it didn't. Thankfully.

PLEASE get an annual mammogram. DON'T hesitate. DON'T think..."Oh it won't happen to me." Cuz it just might. It's important. It matters. It's better to be safe. Hear me??? Just do it. Take care of yourself. Stay healthy. Hear me???

How do you explain things to a 6 year old?

So last night....I'm putting my son to bed. I always sit with him for a bit while he relaxes and drifts off. I have no idea where his thoughts come from. I don't like to think that his innocent, little brain is thinking about such serious things. He started talking about death and war and bad guys and such. He asked me why God allows such things. I didn't really know what to say or how to explain it. How do you make sense of it? I don't even know why. Is God trying to teach us something? Are we supposed to learn and grow from the bad things in life? S. told me that when he gets to Heaven, the first thing he's going to ask God is why he lets wars happen, why bad guys exist. I told him that would be a good thing to ask God...that God would explain anything and everything. I've always heard that you're not supposed to question God or His plans. Still...how do you come to terms with the hatred and fighting? I honestly don't know. In my heart, I want world peace. I know that sounds like some beauty pageant statement, but it's true. I don't understand why we all can't get along. Why can't we love each other? Why can't we respect and embrace our differences? That's what I believe God would want. I told S. that I prayed for world peace. That the bad stuff in the world didn't make sense to me and I couldn't really explain it to him. He's 6 years old and these things are in his thoughts, for pete's sake. When I was 6, from what I can remember, I didn't think of such "heavy" things. I remember how life seemed so much easier, so simple and carefree. Of course, I was a child. I didn't see the world through adult eyes. When I was young, it was safe to play outside with your friends. It was safe to ride your bike through the neighborhood. You didn't have to worry that some stranger would kidnap you and hurt you. I sound just like my parents. Their memories of..."I remember when I was young. We'd take the trolley downtown and see a movie for a nickel." I used to think...yeah...right. You obviously lived a zillion years ago. But here I am...doing the same thing. "I remember when...." It just hurts my heart that I have to try to explain such negative things to my son. I have to somehow explain the evils in the world. I have to help him make sense of these things. And it's difficult. I have a hard time with it myself. I wish life was simple. I wish we didn't have to worry about the danger in the world. I really wish we could all get along and live together in peace. Maybe that sounds hokey but I believe that's what God would want. It's what I want. I wish.

My favorite read............

Ahhhh....romance novels. LOVE'em! READ'em. DEVOUR'em. Delish!

"a fiction genre in which love conquers all, bosoms heave, and cowboys are the best things since sliced bread..."

Need I say more?

Drive by Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear. And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer. It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal. But lately I am beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel. Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive? It's driven me before and it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around. But lately I'm beginning to find that when I drive myself my light is found. So whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes. Yeh. Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive? Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Muse Visits

Muse Visits

by Helen Heavirland

Muse slipped in the door.

"I have a wonderful idea!" she whispered.

She zipped down the halls,

Turned right through my office door.

"Wonderful idea," I pondered,

"Must make a note."

I finished my chore,

Headed for the typewriter

And tripped over routine.

He screamed at the insult

Of being scattered about.

"I have a wonderful idea!" Muse hollered.

Seemed to take forever

To pick up routine's pieces

And pile them in some semblance of order.

I skirted the stack,

Tiptoed to typewriter.

Muse had slipped away.

A wadded tissue lay by the typewriter,

Damp, as though she had wiped tears.

There's A Hole In My Sidewalk

THERE’S A HOLE IN MY SIDEWALK
By Portia Nelson



I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.
I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in this same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.
It’s a habit.
But my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Sunset on Block Island. Beautiful. It's one of those pictures that pulls at my memories and reminds me just how lovely a sunset can be.

Block Island is a place that's near and dear to my heart. I'm able to let go. I can relax. I can find peace.

I love it there.

Dealing with life storms....

Summer Storm
by MTC

Civilization roared around her like thunder in a summer storm.
Standing in the center of the explosion,
she felt her blues trickling down
like wet rain splashing loudly on her soul.
She wrapped herself up within herself.
Feeling the achingly familiar desire,
she tried to wipe away the storm,
but it blew across her anyway.

I wrote this poem...when?...I can't remember. But it's a pretty good description of how life blows across me. So many things happen and there are times when I can't move. I'm stuck in the middle of it all and I just stand there and get soaked. Drenched with emotions. With frustration. With uncertainty. And I know I can't go around the storm. I have to go through it. That's just the way it is. I have to find the strength to hang in there and endure. I keep thinking...isn't life supposed to be easy. But I keep hearing...."nothing is easy." And that's true. Logically, I understand that. Mentally, emotionally...it doesn't make sense. When I was younger, I had all of these dreams. I didn't see so many things coming. I was taken by surprise. Who knew that I'd find out that I'm bipolar? Never saw it coming. I didn't know that happily ever after really is a thing found in books....that real life and relationships take lots and lots of work. Chalk it up to me being the naive, romantic that I am. I've struggled with my moods. With the depression and manic behavior and I hate riding that rollercoaster. I'd like to be on an even keel. All the time. Every day. But I have to take meds to keep me in check. I've done the manic thing and have made so many mistakes, it eats me up inside. I never thought I could be that manic person I was. And I refuse to ever be her again. Never again. But I tend to lean towards the depressive side of the disorder. I honestly don't know where I'd be without my meds. I've been in that deep, dark pit on many occasions and I hate it there. I want to be in the light. Not in the dark. I'm working on it...on being strong...on surviving the storm. I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I'm not giving up. And that's easy to do. I have times when I could easily stay in bed. I could pull the covers up over my head and just stay there. It seems easier. It feels safe. I always withdraw. I pull into myself and hide. It seems like so many people don't "get" manic depression. My family says they do, but I don't think they really get it. If you don't have a mood disorder...you just really don't understand. Not completely. It's such a foreign thing. Heck, I've struggled with accepting it and understanding it. It's taken me 13 years to reach this point and I know I'm a long way from being where I should be...where I want to be. But as I've said, I'm not giving up. I'm working towards a better me and I know I'll get there eventually. I may be knocking on Heaven's door when I finally reach that place of understanding, but I WILL get it. lol I just have a tough time standing in the middle of the chaos that's my life and feeling helpless. I can't do "out of control." I'm frozen by that. It's so out of control that all I can do is stand there. I don't know which way to turn or where to start. Crazy. I know. But that's how it feels. But I have to think that I'm not doing SO bad. I mean...I'm still here. I haven't given up. I'm still fighting and kicking and searching for the right path. It's a never-ending journey and I'm willing to keep going. I'm willing to explore and examine and find my place in this world, in my life. I can hang in there for that. I can hold on. And I know I'm not alone. I have my family and my friends. As dysfunctional as we all are...we have each other. (grin)

So I have to say that I'm truly blessed. And that's good.

Guess I'm just going to have to stand there...in the middle of the storm...letting it rain down on me. It's okay to get wet. It's okay to feel the wind whipping around me. It's ferocious and it can be scary as hell but I'm holding on with everything I have. Everything I am.

Be strong. Have faith. Endure.

The 1st Post

So I'm following my friend, Sabrina's lead. I'm starting a blog. A place where I can think, dream, write, just express myself. I've always loved writing...journaling, so this seems like a good idea. I should be journaling by hand...something I used to do with a cartridge pen and a diary. Now, I find it easier to do it on the computer. I still write by hand. I have my journal with the lined pages. I love doing that. Doing it on the computer lets me get my thoughts out faster. The spelling may not be perfect but I try.

There's a lot going on in my life right now. It's always drama city, but isn't life like that? I'm struggling to maintain, to be strong and hang in there. Some days, I do really well. Other days, I have the hardest time just pulling myself out of bed. But I do. I throw the covers back and I get up. Today was a tough day. I had to keep myself moving forward. I wanted to curl up in bed where I'd feel warm and I could snooze. I felt weepy. I wish my moods didn't swing like they do, but it comes with the bipolar territory. So often, I wish I felt "normal" but that's just not possible. Is anyone really "normal?" Wouldn't we all be dull and boring if we were normal? Still...that term seems to "mean" something in my mind. Like I'm not normal right now. Like I need to change something in myself so I'll be a regular person. ???? What the hell? I'll never get past that...feeling like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole. KWIM?

Anyway...this is my 1st post. My 1st step into an unknown place for me. Blogging. It's so 21st century. lol I'll see how I do. If I can actually keep up with this. I'd like to. I'd like to do something different to keep myself out there. Outside of myself. Instead of hiding inside. Maybe this will be a new, open door for me. We'll see.