Mood swings. No fun. I can go from energized and elated to so blue it overwhelms me. My mood has really been good these past few weeks. I've been riding a mile high and I've felt so good about everything. I know I've been manic. Only mildly so, but it always alarms me. I'm so aware of my moods....especially the manic side. I've made so many poor choices while being manic and I'm terrified of being in that place. Years have passed since that "out of control" time, but there are times when those years seem so fresh...like they just happened. When my past grips me...well... it takes my breath away and not in a good way. I feel so good when I'm manic. Having that "high" is amazing. Having the energy....the excitement....the "I can do anything" attitude...it feels so damn good. And even though I know being manic is dangerous, I do realize that I'm not so far into it that I'm going to walk the wild side....that I'm going to jump into the pool of poor choices. It baffles me...how I can feel so over-the-top elated and then the next moment, I feel so incredibly blue....sad. It's unnerving. I don't recognize that the pendulum has swung...not initially. But it hits me. The lightbulb goes on and I understand what's happened. One minute...I'm "high" and in the blink of an eye....I want to weep. I don't like feeling so out of control. I don't like the swinging back and forth. I so want to walk an even keel. I want to keep that balance. I hate to think what my moods would be without my meds. That thought scares me. Terrifies me. I'm really thankful I have the meds to help. But I also feel dependent... controlled....held prisoner...in a way. The chemical imbalance in my brain is out of whack and the only way I can keep it in check is to rely on medication. I keep forgetting that there are lots of diseases that require medication. It is okay to take the medicine to be healthy. But even with the meds, I still have the mood swings. And that sucks. I'm doing something to help but I still feel trapped...in a sense. I often say that life is a rollercoaster and it is. There are regular highs and lows in my daily life. Those are separate from the bipolar highs and lows. Life stuff. Adding the bipolar highs and lows...well...they make the ride off kilter. I'm stuck in the seat with the bar holding me down and all I can do is ride. Sometimes I just want to get off. Take a break. But there is no break. Not with being bipolar. It is what it is. So today....I'm in the the bottom of the loop. I've been riding the high but today I'm riding the low. All I can do is hold on tight. I'm closing my eyes and trying not to scream. I keep the thought going through my mind...it'll be over soon. Hang in there. You can survive the ride. It'll even out eventually and you'll be in a better place. Just hold on. Be strong. Be patient with yourself. You know what's happening and everything will be alright.
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