sadness

Sadness. Depression. Falling into that dark place. It's the other half of being bipolar. The pendulum swings. It happens. The disorder pushes you into the pit and you can't help it. The chemicals are out of whack. Life stuff grips you. Things combine to pull you under...until you're drowning in the sadness. Some people can pull themselves out. They know the ways to grab the strength...to hold on until they're on dry land. They're a little wet....their blues quickly falling away. For those of us who are bipolar, we have a hard time finding the strength to pull ourselves out of the black sea. It seems too difficult. We can't see the way out. We try to hold on for dear life. We try to stay afloat but the waves are too high. They wash over us and we can't seem to stay above water. The sadness can be so overwhelming, so debilitating....we lose our way. Feeling unworthy. Like a burden. Like those who love us would be better off without us. I've been there. In my mind, it made sense for me to end my life. It seemed like my loved ones would be in a much better place without me...without the insanity. I've been that low. The pit was the lowest, the darkest. It was so dark...I couldn't see a way out. I was drowning in the sadness. Drowning. Going down. Sinking. Somehow, though, I didn't. I found a small amount of strength and I let God lead me in a better direction. When I find myself in the pit, I have the hardest time embracing my faith but somehow I do. If I let go, I can find a way to dry land. I can really stretch and pray and listen. I crawled and pulled myself along the path towards a better place. I found a good doctor. I put my trust in God and in my psychiatrist. I discovered a healing path. It's taken me years....14 years...to reach this place. And don't get me wrong. I struggle every day. I fight the mood swings. I dive into the dark sea but I think I tend to go into the shallow end. I know what makes a difference. The meds. Without a doubt. I've finally found the right combination and it's working. I think I can say the balance is pretty good. It'll never be perfect but it's okay now. I know the pendulum is still there...in the distance. I'm aware of it. But I know it. I recognize it so I know what's there. I'll feel any changes in my mood and I can do something about it. I can ask for help. I can reach out and hang on and not let myself get dragged under. It's not an easy thing. No. But it is doable. It is. I just have to take those baby steps. One day at a time. It is possible. I believe it's possible. I know I have the strength. And I know God is on my side. I believe that. I know I'm not alone and it brings me comfort and peace. I know...for me... sadness happens. The depression is a part of the mood disorder. I don't like it but I accept it. I guess accepting it and staying strong...for the most part...keeps me moving forward. And moving forward is what it's all about. Right?