Being bipolar is a challenge. Having a chemical imbalance in my brain is overwhelming. It's scary. But I've accepted it. Mostly. I take the meds necessary to keep me on an even keel. (Dare I say that?) I know they're important in staying mentally healthy. And I'm a big believer in therapy...in counseling. I think...if you connect with the right therapist...you can make lots of progress. I've done individual therapy....just one on one. I've been comfortable with that. I've taken breaks inbetween therapists. I guess you'd call it "breathing room." I was referred to my current (soon to be "ex") therapist, and I really liked her. A lot. I felt like she really "got" me. We connected and I felt safe with her. Initially, she guided me to good places. I really studied my feelings, where I was in life. I felt like I was making some serious progress. The thing is....this therapist is big into group therapy. Now I've never participated in group therapy. It intimidated the hell out of me. She encouraged me and I decided to go for it. And in the beginning...it was okay. I did feel put on the spot when it came to giving feedback. Six women....taking turns working on their issues...working through their anger, sadness, fears, etc. Laying it out there....being in such a vulnerable place. In a way, I felt like I was hanging with the girls, but I also felt like I was eavesdropping on some very personal things. And going around the room...after a person "worked"...having to give feedback... was very difficult for me. I never knew what to say. You're not supposed to give advice. You're supposed to say things like, "I see your sadness....I hear your anger....I understand what you're saying...feeling...etc." I've never done that...with a group of "strangers." But I guess I can't call them strangers considering how personal the discussions were. I always felt like I was supposed to share this perfect feedback and I never could find the words. I just couldn't find them. I felt like an idiot. But still...I wanted to hang in there...to give it a chance. Except...several weeks ago...I was encouraged to journal after sharing something....doing some "work"....and then having my therapist tell me I have a social phobia. Huh? Others in the group agreed. Okay. They "encouraged"me to journal about it and bring it to the next group. I did it. I love to journal. I love to write. So I did it. I wrote about things that had happened in my life...writing about my history. There have been situations in my life where I've been hurt...where I've been taken advantage of...and I don't jump out there just partying or going crazy. I'm completely happy and at ease with where I am in my relationships. I don't need to be the life of the party...surrounded by lots of people to be content. I'm where I want to be and I don't consider myself as being a social phobic. What the hell is that anyway? But I wrote....from my heart. I know how to write and I think I'm pretty darn good at expressing myself that way. I took my journaling to group and I shared it. I laid myself bare and shared my writing...my thoughts. I felt brave. I pushed aside my fear of sharing something so precious to me. I went out there....let myself be in that vulnerable place. And....my therapist told me I didn't journal. Journaling is handwritten...not typed. I wrote a very nice history but I didn't journal. I didn't say how I feel. I beg to differ. My groupmates agreed with her. They said they got to know me...that it was a nice narrative but it wasn't journaling. Sharing my writing is a very, very personal thing for me. It's not something I do easily. I thought I'd expressed myself. I thought I'd painted a picture with my words. I thought...if ever...that they'd really get me. They'd see me and how I feel and they'd understand. Only...they didn't. They dismissed me and what I wrote. They "came down" on me. They told me I needed to journal again...only this time...I needed to handwrite it and talk about how I feel. I was hurt. I was sad. I was angry. Still am. I came home and I journaled. I did it in my own handwriting...only I didn't write about having a "social phobia"...no...I wrote about them and how I felt betrayed. I put myself out there and they didn't get it. They dismissed me and my feelings, my thoughts. The following week...as the time for group approached....I knew I couldn't go. I couldn't face that criticism again. I just couldn't. So I didn't go. I called and gave an excuse and didn't go. Then last week, I missed group cuz I was doing my endless mammogram. (see earlier post)
The thought has been in my mind for a while but it got pushed to the forefront after the journaling event. I haven't felt comfortable in that group. I haven't felt comfortable with my therapist. I haven't felt safe. I've been feeling like I'm being attacked...at least a little. Instead of feeling like I'm moving forward and making progress....I feel trapped and miserable. Not good. I received a call from my therapist earlier in the week saying she wanted to change the time group started. She has 3 people she wants to bring into the group...bringing the total number of members to 8. We have a hard enough time getting everyone's work in with 5 of us. How in the hell will it work with 8 people? But she called and told me what she wanted to do and I told her I couldn't do the new time. She started pressuring me and I felt backed into a corner. I need to take care of my family. That's my priority. The new time wouldn't work for me but I told her I'd try to figure something out. But the more I thought about it...the more I knew I didn't want to make the change. I started thinking...the nerve! When I went to group yesterday, the first thing she asked me was if I was able to work anything out. I told her no...that the proposed time wouldn't work for me. Needless to say...that didn't go over well. Back to the pushing...the pressure. Can't you do this? Can't you do that? Can't you be more flexible? Blah. Blah. Blah. I found myself in a place where I knew without a doubt that she wasn't the right therapist for me and that I didn't belong in that group...or any group. I now know group therapy isn't for me. Like I said...I'm a big believer in therapy but right now...I feel like I was caught up in...trapped by the hype. I think I let myself be blindsided and I feel upset with myself that I didn't pay closer attention. I guess I should've listened to my inner voice a long time ago....even from the very beginning. In my heart, I knew that group therapy wasn't the right thing for me. I'm disappointed that my therapist turned out to be a different person than I originally thought she was. So I'm going to listen to my inner voice. I've been thinking that voice knows the right way. And...me being me....I went to my friends for validation. And I got it. They confirmed what my inner voice is saying and now I feel secure in my decision. I need to move away from the pressure and pushiness. I need to find another therapist...down the road....one who feels "right." For now...I'm taking a break. I need to do that. For myself. Yeah...I still believe that therapy is a good place to work through personal issues. I'm not giving up on that. I just need to look out for myself and remember that it's okay to do that.
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