"You’ve no idea what a poor opinion
I have of myself
and how little I deserve it."
I look in the mirror and the reflection I see makes me want to shatter the glass into a million pieces. What I see is an ugly, overweight woman. It's my perception of myself. I don't want to see that image, but I do. I think it's the overweight thing that gets to me. It's as if that fact snowballs and every negative thing I feel about myself runs me down. I yearn for that positive strength. I wish I could feel strong and determined. I believe those things exist in me. I do. It's just grasping them. Hanging onto them and not letting them dig deep....not letting them hide. I know what I need to do. I know the steps I need to take to reach a healthy place. I'm having trouble holding on to my willpower. It's almost as if that personal strength is out of reach. It's right there. My arm is outstretched. My fingers are almost touching it but I can't grab hold. And it's more than frustrating. Painful. I've done it before. I've lost weight. I just let the stress and "problems" surround me and I turn to food for comfort. I don't sit around eating. It's just the food choices I make. And the lack of exercise. It's ridiculous. Knowing exactly what I need to do and allowing myself to push that knowledge to the side. I want to scream...."Get it together! Get up off your butt and move! Do this for yourself! Get healthy!" It's what I want to do. It's what I need to do. I just let myself slide into that apathetic place. Stupid. Weak. Ultimately, I know that I'm a beautiful person. I'm not talking about on the outside. I'd never claim to be beautiful in looks. Maybe cute? But I think my heart is good. I think my soul is good. I think an inner beauty is waiting for me to embrace it. I just need to snatch my willpower. It keeps dancing just out of reach. I need to be strong and grab it. I need to hold it close. I need to take that first step. I need to move forward. I know I can do it. I know I can. I have to let go and jump into the possibilities of what I can be. Of how I see myself. Today is the first day. Today is a new beginning. It starts now. I'll work on reaching the place where I can say I love myself. Where I say I'm okay. Then I can look in the mirror and see a beautiful, healthy person. And it will be wonderful. No need to shatter the glass. Just the peace in seeing the woman reflecting back at me.
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