Summer Storm
by MTC
Standing in the center of the explosion,
she felt her blues trickling down
like wet rain splashing loudly on her soul.
She wrapped herself up within herself.
Feeling the achingly familiar desire,
she tried to wipe away the storm,
but it blew across her anyway.
I wrote this poem...when?...I can't remember. But it's a pretty good description of how life blows across me. So many things happen and there are times when I can't move. I'm stuck in the middle of it all and I just stand there and get soaked. Drenched with emotions. With frustration. With uncertainty. And I know I can't go around the storm. I have to go through it. That's just the way it is. I have to find the strength to hang in there and endure. I keep thinking...isn't life supposed to be easy. But I keep hearing...."nothing is easy." And that's true. Logically, I understand that. Mentally, emotionally...it doesn't make sense. When I was younger, I had all of these dreams. I didn't see so many things coming. I was taken by surprise. Who knew that I'd find out that I'm bipolar? Never saw it coming. I didn't know that happily ever after really is a thing found in books....that real life and relationships take lots and lots of work. Chalk it up to me being the naive, romantic that I am. I've struggled with my moods. With the depression and manic behavior and I hate riding that rollercoaster. I'd like to be on an even keel. All the time. Every day. But I have to take meds to keep me in check. I've done the manic thing and have made so many mistakes, it eats me up inside. I never thought I could be that manic person I was. And I refuse to ever be her again. Never again. But I tend to lean towards the depressive side of the disorder. I honestly don't know where I'd be without my meds. I've been in that deep, dark pit on many occasions and I hate it there. I want to be in the light. Not in the dark. I'm working on it...on being strong...on surviving the storm. I have a long way to go, but I'm working on it. I'm not giving up. And that's easy to do. I have times when I could easily stay in bed. I could pull the covers up over my head and just stay there. It seems easier. It feels safe. I always withdraw. I pull into myself and hide. It seems like so many people don't "get" manic depression. My family says they do, but I don't think they really get it. If you don't have a mood disorder...you just really don't understand. Not completely. It's such a foreign thing. Heck, I've struggled with accepting it and understanding it. It's taken me 13 years to reach this point and I know I'm a long way from being where I should be...where I want to be. But as I've said, I'm not giving up. I'm working towards a better me and I know I'll get there eventually. I may be knocking on Heaven's door when I finally reach that place of understanding, but I WILL get it. lol I just have a tough time standing in the middle of the chaos that's my life and feeling helpless. I can't do "out of control." I'm frozen by that. It's so out of control that all I can do is stand there. I don't know which way to turn or where to start. Crazy. I know. But that's how it feels. But I have to think that I'm not doing SO bad. I mean...I'm still here. I haven't given up. I'm still fighting and kicking and searching for the right path. It's a never-ending journey and I'm willing to keep going. I'm willing to explore and examine and find my place in this world, in my life. I can hang in there for that. I can hold on. And I know I'm not alone. I have my family and my friends. As dysfunctional as we all are...we have each other. (grin)
So I have to say that I'm truly blessed. And that's good.
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