Overwhelmed. That's how I feel. Overwhelmed.

Worried. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel lost.

S. is stuttering so much. It's awful. And painful to watch. I wish I knew what to do to fix the problem. I wish I had concrete answers as to why it's happening. It's killing me. His teacher told me one of his classmates did a "copycat" thing. It upset S. Naturally. I was wondering when it would happen. Knew it would. Hoped it wouldn't. :-( We're doing what we can but it doesn't feel like it's enough. Speech therapy. A new pediatric neurologist. Revaluating the ADHD diagnosis. Everything. Still....I feel so out of control. I can't fix it. I want to but I can't. And it's breaking my heart.

I don't feel very strong at the moment. Oh...I'm putting on a good face. I'm not showing it. But inside...it's how I feel. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better. All the way around. It doesn't work that way. Does it?

I love that little boy more than words can ever, ever express. I only want the absolute best for him. I hope and pray that God will guide us to a good, healthy, happy path. Praying big time.

Back to school.....

School is back in session! Happy, happy! Joy, joy! lol Being at home ALL summer with a 7yr old is taxing on one's sanity. :-) We had good times and we had frustrating times and it was always active. Now...I have peace and quiet and I can get back to the projects I put on hold. I'm loving having some "me" time.

I am under some stress and am worrying about S. His speech disfluency has gone from bad to worse. He is having such a difficult time getting his words out. He's started stuttering and struggling and it's painful to see. :-( We're having him reevaluated for ADHD and have a new dr. for that. She's awesome! I hope and pray that she can put us on a new, helpful path. We meet with her tomorrow morning and I'm anxious to hear what she has to say. (fingers crossed)

Been reading a lot and loving it. I've read some new books by new authors. And, of course, I'm reading lots of romance novels. (g) Can't help myself. I've read all of the Sookie Stackhouse novels and will have to wait til Charlaine Harris writes the next one in the series. I've been watching the True Blood series on HBO which is based on the Sookie books. The show is very graphic...but I guess if you're dealing with vampires...it has to be...right? lol But I'm loving it. There are only 2 episodes left so I'll have to wait for next season. More waiting! Argh! lol

Looking forward to fall and the cooler temps. When school starts...it feels like it's time to move on out of summer and into the fall season. I guess it's just that internal clock kind of a thing.

All in all....things are okay. I'm just breathing such a sigh of relief that school is back in session! I'm in the mom club...where we can't wait for that 1st day! lol

Happy, happy....joy, joy!!!!!

Venus vs. Mars

John Gray has it right. Men really ARE from Mars. Too blunt. Too in your face when it comes to emotions and understanding. We women are so good at understanding and encouraging. I'm well aware of my faults. Who knows better than oneself? You see your reflection in the mirror every single day. You know what you've done and what you need to do. I admit that I'm not my own cheerleader. Far from it. My self-esteem is low. I think I'm really good at beating myself up. I don't need anymore beating. KWIM? It would mean so much to have that unconditional love. Just accept me for me. Love me no matter what. I know. I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm too damn sensitive. I'm too romantic and I yearn for the same. So when D. tells me I need to lose weight....it hurts. It just does. I can look in the mirror and see myself. I see how I look. I know what I need to do. I think it's the romantic in me....that believes he should love me no matter what. His comments add fuel to my low self-esteem fire. Do I feel pretty? No. Do I feel sexy? No. Do I want him to sweep me off my feet carrying me off to bed for a romantic tryst? No. How could I ever let my guard down when he obviously sees me as fat? I don't know how to do that. I really feel hurt. Yes. I'm flawed. I'm a human. I'm not perfect. I always say I'm a work in progress. There are so many things happening that are stressful. I'm struggling with life things and trying to keep it together. The last thing I want from my husband is criticism. I want love. I want to be loved for who I am...flaws and all. I want to be me and be loved anyway. Why can't "martians" get that? (sigh)

It's been a while.....

Time goes on and the days pass by. That's life. Day by day. It's funny how the days seem to go by so slowly and yet time flies. What's up with that?

So I'm sitting here wondering why life seems so hard. I mean....why does every little thing seem so huge? I know. I know. Life isn't fair. Life isn't easy. That's just the way it is. Still....I finding myself standing here wanting to scream, "WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH LIFE?" I'm just shaking my head at how silly that sounds. You know....you have these dreams...when you're young...that will come true when you grow up. And then you find yourself in adult mode and you realize that those dreams aren't as easily attained as you thought they would be. And you grow up and fully recognize the dysfunction in your life....the problems that come with growing up and so forth. It's one thing to make a mistake when you're a child but it's something entirely different when you're an adult. At the ripe, old age of (almost) 48, I can look back on all of the wrong turns I've made...the foolish choices...the "I should've picked door #1 instead of what's in the box" times. It's hard to be dysfunctional and to be surrounded by dysfunction. KWIM? It's really difficult to look around and see....actually SEE the mistakes you've made. It's hard to accept that you've done a rotten job when you thought you were doing really well. It hurts to see it and it feels like it's almost too late to do anything about it. I'm struggling with the hurt...with the realization that I'm way beyond flawed. It's hard to look at the plans...to see the mistakes...and find the eraser so I can revise everything. I have to do just that but it's so damn hard. I'm taking 2 steps forward but 15 back.

So I'm back to wondering why life is so hard. Why are the bits and pieces so tough? Where's the "life" manual? It would help if I had some directions so everything will be assembled correctly. Yeah. That would help a lot.

Guess I'm on my own.

My warranty is expiring...

Getting old is a bitch. Of course, as they say, it's better than the alternative. I had to stop and think about how old I'd be turning in June. I remember when I was young - like in my teens - thinking that 20 was so old....that 30 was so old....that 40 was ancient. It seemed so far away. And I'm going to turn 48 this year. That's 2 years til 50!!! I can't imagine being 50. I mean the number. It's overwhelming!!! I certainly don't feel like I'm almost 48....heading to 50. But I feel like my body is slowly falling apart. Of course, I know a lot of my woes have to do with my being overweight. I've noticed that my hips hurt. After I sit for a while and then stand...my legs hurt. I know exactly what I need to do to fix those problems. That's entirely in my control. It just sucks...being bipolar...having "female" problems....dealing with sleep apnea....and now the problems stemming from this septoplasty. Oh...and I forgot to mention the headaches. I keep having constant headaches/migraines and my dr. sent me for a CT scan. Fortunately, everything was fine...but the headaches were still there. Now I'm taking a prescription med to help. Add another pill to the schedule. Such fun! I'm dealing. I'm tired of one medical thing after another happening. KWIM? But I'm dealing.And this nose stuff. I STILL have the whistle in the right side of my nose. My ob/gyn suggested I go for a 2nd opinion and I went to the phone right away and called the dr. he recommended. I see the dude on Monday and I can't wait to hear what he has to say. Nothing like looking at those mistakes and asking yourself: WHY????? I hate that! So much! I hope I can fix whatever problem remains with my nose. And if I like this dr. and feel like he's telling me like it is....I may switch. We'll see how it goes. Such fun.

Still....I cannot believe I'll be 48. Where has the time gone? I mean...seriously. ????? It's good that I don't feel my age. I still "feel" like I did when I was in college. I feel as if I haven't changed from those days. And I suppose that's a good thing. I don't feel like I need to be propped up in a rocking chair watching my shows. lol I'm still that kid at heart and I rejoice in that. I just wish I could renew my dang warranty!

lol

"When you come to the end of all the light you know,

and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,

faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen:

either you will be given something solid to stand on

or you will be taught to fly."

Edward Teller

Body Image

I'm struggling with my body image. I swear...every time I see my reflection, I want to cry. It's so hard for me not to comfort myself with food. Isn't that stupid? It's not that I sit around eating bon bons. I don't. But when I feel like I need to make myself feel better...I tend to choose the potato chips as opposed to the fruit. And it makes me feel out of control...which is absurd considering that I'm the one doing it to myself. I have all of the control. Hello...get a clue, girl. Every day I tell myself it's a clean slate and I can choose the healthy foods. I want to feel better. My mood is mostly good. I'm having some "blues" instances but I'm hanging in here. I just want to feel better physically. Guess I'm trying to give myself a pep talk. I'm that little engine...I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I want to look at my reflection and be happy with what I see. I want to feel that confidence that comes with feeling healthy. I just have to take that first step. I think today is the day. I'm stepping out. I can do this. I know I can.

Here I go.......