Sunday, August 8, 2010
this is a journaling post - not an over the rainbow one either
So how in the hell am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to live the remainder of my life like this? How do you live with someone who seems to hate you? How? Does anyone know? How do I live with myself knowing that he seems to hate me? I feel so lost. And alone. I'm pulling back. Not saying anything. Don't say anything if you can't say anything nice. Isn't that the saying? I think it is. And I don't have anything nice to say. He says I've taken everything away from him. The only thing I haven't taken is S. Am I that awful? Am I that much of a bitch? Am I that selfish? I want to think....to believe that I'm a nice person. I don't want to be this selfish bitch. I don't. And yet...that's exactly how I feel. I'm solely responsible for his misery. Me. I asked him if I died tomorrow....would that make him feel relieved. He said no. But I wonder. If I've ruined his life and taken everything from him....then wouldn't it make sense that if he didn't see me every day.... that it would be better? I haven't felt this way in a long time. I feel like I'm the worst everything. Worst daughter. Worst sister. Worst mother. Worst wife. Worst friend. You name it. And I don't know how to rise above it. I told D. I wanted to start writing again....to return to my novel...that I wanted to complete it and he just snorted and rolled his eyes. WTF? I feel so tired. Nothing tastes good. Nothing seems fun. And you know what's hilarious???? I love him. lol I'm a dolt. A romantic fool....believing that things will be okay...that down the road...things will get better. If he really and truly hates me....how will time help? It won't....will it? Isn't it ironic? I want the happily ever after and it's actually FUBAR! (shaking my head) I don't know what I'll do. Honestly don't. I'm not feeling a lot of personal strength right now. Wish I was wonder woman or something. Wish I could just soar into the sky and rise above it all. But even super heroes have their woes. Right? (sigh) Yeah. Right.
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1 comment:
This is worrisome to me, my friend. You are beautiful and wonderful and a precious friend. I even told someone the other day that I considered you one of my best friends. Don't let that jack ass get you down. It seems like he gets this way every time you start believing in yourself. He likes to keep you down. It is mean of him but there it is. Keep writing and doing things for yourself. Hang in there. Love ya!
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