great movie!

RENT IT.....BUY IT.....WATCH IT! AWESOME MOVIE!

Writing

I'm writing about writing because my dear friend has been riding the writing rollercoaster. The up's and down's. The...putting your heart and soul out there for people to read. What if they don't like it? What if they TELL you they don't like it? How do you survive that? Writing is such a personal thing. I write. I don't share it, tho. I'm not strong enough...or confident enough to do it. Not really. I've shared poems that I've written. But not my book. My book...that's not finished...cuz I'm scared to finish it. Cuz then I'll be at the "time to put it out there...submit it" place. That is TERRIFYING! But my friend has done it. She's submitted books and short stories. She's been published. She's waiting to hear about two manuscripts she sent out. I just sit here and think, "Wow. How cool is she? She's putting herself out there and it's a big leap and I admire the hell out of her." Of course, I've been blessed to be able to read her work. She trusts me enough to allow me to read her stories. That is such a gift. Any time a writer shares her work with you...know that you're being trusted and honored. Cuz our writing is our baby. We take our heart and put it on paper. Our characters and stories are living and breathing within us. When we "give birth" to our stories...it's an emotional journey. It can be painful and oh so rewarding. But when you've told your story and you love it and you're in love with your characters...and then you place your treasure in someone else's hands....well....that's when we wait...with our hearts in our throat...wondering...will the story take hold and whisk the reader away. Will they love it as much as we do? The mere thought of rejection colors your view. The "what if" of it all. Imagine putting your heart and soul out there and having someone tell you it's not good. No thank you. Don't like it. Hearing those words - in whatever form - professional, form letter, tossed out in a casual way...hearing them is a stab to the heart. I don't know how else to say it. There is this pain deep inside you and there's nothing you can do to stop it. How can you easily say, "Oh well. No biggie."? It really, really, really hurts. Putting your stories out there already makes you vulnerable...and now...well...now you're beyond that. You want to pull back and keep your stories to yourself. No more sharing. No more putting them out there. It's a difficult, painful place to be.

I've always like to write. Always. I've always kept diaries, and journals. Have always written poetry. Have written some short stories...a long time ago. I've been working on a novel but I keep letting life get in the way. Working on my book is downright scary. What if I can't do it? What if I can? What if people think it's awful? What if people like it? Then what? Still...I will always have the dream to write and be a published author. I would love to help people escape into a good story. If I could make one person happy...entertain them...have them love my characters as much as I do....that would be more than satisfying. It would be a dream come true. I just have to believe in myself. I need to have courage. I want to be like my friend. I want to follow in her footsteps. I want to be brave and strong like she is. She is so talented and she's not afraid to share her stories....especially with me. If I can get my own courage up...then I can let her read my work and then go from there. No matter what, tho...writing has to be something you love and want to do. If you ride the rollercoaster and have too many down's...that will take the fun and life out of it. That's not a place any writer should be. I guess...in the long run...we writers have to do the self-preservation thing. We have to look out for number one. I mean... we're talking about our hearts here. We can't keep putting our hearts out there for a stomping. We have to take care of ourselves and protect our work and our hearts. That's just the way it is. And there's nothing wrong with that. Bottom line...we're talented. We have so many stories to tell. And we'll tell them and then share them when we're ready. When we feel safe. But we'll get them out of our heads and hearts and on to the paper. Count on it.

"I've known all my life that I could take a bunch of words and throw them up in the air and they would come down just right" Truman Capote

2010

It's Spring. 2010. My last post was Fall of 2009. Where does the time go????


Survived the holidays. Survived going into a new year. Life goes on. Stuff happens. It can be frustrating, stressful, sad, happy, exciting...just all around the emotional universe. I'm hanging in there. Doing the one day at a time thing. lol S'ok.


I made a decision regarding one of the medicines I take for my manic depression. I've done a lot of soul-searching about it. Whether or not to change. To stop taking the med. I started thinking about how I'd been feeling since taking the med. I've done some research and identified with most of the side effects that people experience while taking Lamictal. I decided that I needed to stop taking the med. I want to see what I feel like when I'm "non-Lamictaled." (Made that up. lol) I've been feeling so...so...like I'm in a fog. My concentration and memory suck. (That's blunt but there it is.) I feel emotionally flat. I have zero energy. I'm dizzy and my coordination stinks. I went to see my shrink yesterday afternoon, and I told him I wanted to stop taking the Lamictal. He said, "Convince me why you should stop." We discussed the side effects and how I'd been feeling. He reviewed my file...checking the notes from my previous shrink who went to work at a local mental health facility (read: loony bin). My doc saw where I hadn't been 100% sure I wanted to take the Lamictal. We talked more and he agreed that we should see what I "look" like without the med. I came out of that meeting feeling relieved and excited. I'm hoping and praying that getting the med out of my system will bring me back to the "living" so to speak. I hope I'll come out of the fog and get away from the "flatness." I feel good about taking control and making that decision. It feels really good. :-)


I'll be weaning the med...slowly...slowly...which is exactly how I want. My last dose is in June, so we have a goal...something to look forward to. Just around my b'day (my 49th - ick), I should feel different. I'm hoping it'll be the best b'day gift I can give myself. Yea!


The countdown begins. I'll keep you posted.

Overwhelmed. That's how I feel. Overwhelmed.

Worried. I feel worried. I feel sad. I feel lost.

S. is stuttering so much. It's awful. And painful to watch. I wish I knew what to do to fix the problem. I wish I had concrete answers as to why it's happening. It's killing me. His teacher told me one of his classmates did a "copycat" thing. It upset S. Naturally. I was wondering when it would happen. Knew it would. Hoped it wouldn't. :-( We're doing what we can but it doesn't feel like it's enough. Speech therapy. A new pediatric neurologist. Revaluating the ADHD diagnosis. Everything. Still....I feel so out of control. I can't fix it. I want to but I can't. And it's breaking my heart.

I don't feel very strong at the moment. Oh...I'm putting on a good face. I'm not showing it. But inside...it's how I feel. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better. All the way around. It doesn't work that way. Does it?

I love that little boy more than words can ever, ever express. I only want the absolute best for him. I hope and pray that God will guide us to a good, healthy, happy path. Praying big time.

Back to school.....

School is back in session! Happy, happy! Joy, joy! lol Being at home ALL summer with a 7yr old is taxing on one's sanity. :-) We had good times and we had frustrating times and it was always active. Now...I have peace and quiet and I can get back to the projects I put on hold. I'm loving having some "me" time.

I am under some stress and am worrying about S. His speech disfluency has gone from bad to worse. He is having such a difficult time getting his words out. He's started stuttering and struggling and it's painful to see. :-( We're having him reevaluated for ADHD and have a new dr. for that. She's awesome! I hope and pray that she can put us on a new, helpful path. We meet with her tomorrow morning and I'm anxious to hear what she has to say. (fingers crossed)

Been reading a lot and loving it. I've read some new books by new authors. And, of course, I'm reading lots of romance novels. (g) Can't help myself. I've read all of the Sookie Stackhouse novels and will have to wait til Charlaine Harris writes the next one in the series. I've been watching the True Blood series on HBO which is based on the Sookie books. The show is very graphic...but I guess if you're dealing with vampires...it has to be...right? lol But I'm loving it. There are only 2 episodes left so I'll have to wait for next season. More waiting! Argh! lol

Looking forward to fall and the cooler temps. When school starts...it feels like it's time to move on out of summer and into the fall season. I guess it's just that internal clock kind of a thing.

All in all....things are okay. I'm just breathing such a sigh of relief that school is back in session! I'm in the mom club...where we can't wait for that 1st day! lol

Happy, happy....joy, joy!!!!!

Venus vs. Mars

John Gray has it right. Men really ARE from Mars. Too blunt. Too in your face when it comes to emotions and understanding. We women are so good at understanding and encouraging. I'm well aware of my faults. Who knows better than oneself? You see your reflection in the mirror every single day. You know what you've done and what you need to do. I admit that I'm not my own cheerleader. Far from it. My self-esteem is low. I think I'm really good at beating myself up. I don't need anymore beating. KWIM? It would mean so much to have that unconditional love. Just accept me for me. Love me no matter what. I know. I know. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm too damn sensitive. I'm too romantic and I yearn for the same. So when D. tells me I need to lose weight....it hurts. It just does. I can look in the mirror and see myself. I see how I look. I know what I need to do. I think it's the romantic in me....that believes he should love me no matter what. His comments add fuel to my low self-esteem fire. Do I feel pretty? No. Do I feel sexy? No. Do I want him to sweep me off my feet carrying me off to bed for a romantic tryst? No. How could I ever let my guard down when he obviously sees me as fat? I don't know how to do that. I really feel hurt. Yes. I'm flawed. I'm a human. I'm not perfect. I always say I'm a work in progress. There are so many things happening that are stressful. I'm struggling with life things and trying to keep it together. The last thing I want from my husband is criticism. I want love. I want to be loved for who I am...flaws and all. I want to be me and be loved anyway. Why can't "martians" get that? (sigh)